BF...F?

Why do we have friends? Humans are naturally lonely creatures who almost always need someone to talk to and cheer us up when the chips are down. Believe me, my lonely old neighbour makes the tiniest excuse to invite us over, invite herself over, or even just talk to us for a small favour. The small minority of people who survive with minimal outside contact are usually...

-grumpy
-friends with a non-human companion (e.g. a dog, goldfish, an imaginary friend, aliens...maybe?)
-sad but unsure how to integrate themselves into society
-just simply NOT HUMAN, just kidding (but this is a very, very TINY minority)

Personally, I have a different issue with the topic of friendship. I believe in and value it, but I don't expect each one to last too long. Whenever I inform my current friends that I don't believe in long term friendship or I don't have a BEST FRIEND, they go into immediate shock. "Oh my God, you're a horrible person! You don't like me? We're gonna stay friends forever, you'll see!"--or at least they'll think something along those lines to themself and never admit it out loud. But the truth is...there's no such thing as friends forever.

Realistically, it's unlikely for two individuals from different families to both live in the same town or even province/state (if talking about N.A.)/country for their entire lives. Also, remember that people are always "changing". Depending on how much time you spend with them or how frequently you see them determines whether or not you notice it and how much it interferes in your friendship. Being even a 45 minute drive away from your friends, makes it difficult to keep in touch, particularly if you're not retired and you have a bunch of annoying things to attend such as school, work, or local social gatherings. OH and as a side note, many of the things I post about are my interpretations of personal experience, so it's not 100% my imagination.

STORY TIME:

I attended a private Christian school for my elementary education from grades 3-8. I made some amazing friends there, and we all got really close because 6 years is quite a long time when you're around that preadolescent age. So anyways, I actually had TWO--wow, I can't believe Christie's such a hypocrite!--best friends. They were Spanish, I felt totally comfortable around them (even comfortable enough to fight a lot actually--you know the typical girl fight, "I'm not talking to you" thing), the 3 of us lived a 5-10 minute bike ride away from each other, we talked about everything together (from classroom gossip to puberty experiences), we randomly showed up at each other's houses with 5 minutes notice, and we pretty much did everything together. That was an era of bliss and naivety where I believed in the prepubescent BFF doctrine with all my heart.

Graduation came. I was going to Cawthra, V was going to Mentor (hehe) College, and Pam was going to King's Collegiate. I even moved to opposite end of Mississauga, soon followed by Veronica (who I STILL haven't visited). Sure, no problem, we'll just hang out a lot and phone each other everyday. A few weeks into my grade 9 year, a series of phone calls ensued, "I don't think we'll be able to hang out this week", or "I'm kind of busy and I can't get a ride to your house". Darn that driving age of 16, huh? Thus, we settled for calling each other frequently. I talked to Pam almost everyday, updating her on everything...the kind of people at Cawthra, how the high school life compared to my expectations, any cute guys (HAH), and how we were gonna hang out again--the usual BFF stuff, you know? Eventually, the phone calls started getting shorter, filled out with awkward silences, and eventually both of us started getting too busy to return each other's calls. MSN and facebook would definitely not cut it--isn't the phone bad enough? Btw, for anyone who hasn't known me before high school, I used to use the phone A LOT. My parents would always be telling me to get off after the first couple hours. I never thought I would be one of those phoneline-hogging teenagers, but it's a disease that hits around...oh, late elementary school, I would say, so watch out for it when you have kids! But yeah, our friendship slowly faded away, and we each started making a new set of friends at our respective schools. Despite a comfortable transition between friend groups, there was still an unsettling feeling in my stomach and the sadness was sort of slow to hit me.

One day, my high school friend Irene gave me a big present bag full of goodies, and notes from my other close friend Nina, since they go to the same church. I felt really excited to get a second chance to maintain another elementary school friendship. The vicious notewriting on our oh-so-three-years-ago Lovely White paper began. We talked about the cherished past, the awkward present, and our possible post-secondary ambitions, which fed the conversation for a while. I tried to send stuff back, and we even made a scrapbook which we passed back and forth. It was really fun and it made me feel like I was making a better effort toward this friendship--but you can guess what happened: The same slowdown in communication, lack of things to talk about, and frequent writer's block. Even if we did manage to keep our communication going, was it practical for us to meet up through a 45 minute drive or should I make stronger connections with other kids at my high school, who were maybe a 15 minute drive away or could hang out after school? Eventually that communication ended too, and I realized I had to move on.

I'm not saying MOVE ON like it was easy. It was really hard, and that's probably what has scarred my perspective of friendship. Having to give up great friends, who were almost sisters to me, because of impractical circumstances. We even had a few summer gatherings at my house with a few movies (e.g. Borat, Step Up2, and other things I can't remember), sleepovers, gossiping about elementary people who changed (or got hotter -_-"), and chilling out with heaps of junk food. It was refreshing and it definitely felt right. However, I knew I couldn't get too comfortable because in a few more hours they were going to go back to their own lives, a 45 minutes' drive away. I actually felt really bad when one of my friends asked who was my best friend, while Pam was there. All I could think to do was be honest, "I don't have one." It kind of created an awkward moment and I'm sure Pam was hurt at least a little. Well, it hurt for me at least. Anyway, after all this letting go, I didn't feel like getting close to anyone at Cawthra. Most of them didn't even live near Cawthra, so it wasn't that convenient. Besides, we were only spending 4 years together, then we'd all be separated again.

Even in university, people are spending 4-5 years in undergrad, then they'll all be pursuing their own paths such as working, doing a master's, different co-op sequences, professional school, and perhaps even switching/dropping out. Even if you end up going to the same university as a friend, it's difficult to stay in touch with them if they don't have the same classes or practically live with you because you're always working, studying with other kids in your program, or participating in clubs that you're interested in--oh yeah, and exercise fits somewhere in there...but yeah, my main point is (I realize I go off topic a lot, because I don't want to forget what I'm thinking) that we make "friends" whenever it is convenient. Someone to keep us sane and work beside us. Someone with similar goals to cheer each other on. Sadly, someone who we can access without making TOO much extraneous effort.

In fact, I DO have a best friend now: my cousin Katie. Same age, similar interests, totally comfortable around each other, we easily agree to disagree, I always learn new things from her, and I would trust her with my life. I'm so thankful that I have a cousin that I can depend on like a sister and who is the same age as me. Since she is also family, that makes our friendship tie stronger than your average BFF pair, and we have a better chance of living within comfortable proximity to each other. That way, we can take on life's challenges together, offering advice and an honest opinion to one another wherever possible.

Soooo, does this million word rant mean I think my friends are using me and I'm just using them? N-O--W-A-Y. Just because I don't believe in the long term friendship, it doesn't mean I don't CHOOSE to hang out with the people who are both accessible and likable in the present. Trust me, I'm pretty picky and judgemental of people, so if you made the cut, you must be doing something right. Also, just because we won't be friends forever, it doesn't mean you won't have impacted my life forever. Even if I refuse to let you change or affect who I am, I will still remember and look to you as a model of comparison for making new friends on my personal journey through life.

Thanks to all my friends that have ever been, are, and are to come.