This post is meant to elaborate on one of the major things that has been bothering me about school lately: my poor work habits and inability to motivate myself to learn. Having finally achieved my goal of making it into this program and being basically set for my career path, I think I've lost the motivation to push myself academically. No matter how close I feel to the edge--whether it's the day before a final exam or I'm on the verge of failing a course--I feel the subconscious tingling of guilt and stress but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. In undergrad, I've had my moments of laziness and procrastination for sure but never to this extent. I'd always pull through for myself within the last few days, and everything would work out. Somehow things are different now.
Maybe I'm truly burnt out from school now...? Or maybe I've finally met my academic limit and I am not capable of handling this kind of workload? Who knows. Whatever it is, I try to keep myself sane by focusing on the bigger picture. I want to become a dentist and to do that, I need to become a competent clinician through plenty of learning, practice, and patience. I honestly don't know what else to do but to keep on it.
Sometimes I even get angry at myself for being so lazy and unmotivated because I know that spots in this program are very competitive, and I can't help but wonder if I'm taking the place of someone more deserving.
On the same note of stress and despair, I feel pretty discouraged about my skills as a prospective dentist. I'm not doing very well with the few drilling or filling exercises that we've covered so far. Before I entered the program, my uncle (who is currently a dentist) warned me that developing clinical skills and dexterity will be very discouraging at times and not to give up. I always try to keep this in mind when I'm having these doubts, but in the end they're just words to me. I can't help what I feel. People say "Oh, we're all going through the same thing because we're all new to these skills. Don't worry!". But again, they feel like empty words. I see the work that people are doing, and no one else seems to be struggling as I am; thus, the excuse of me being new to these skills doesn't seem valid to me. Again, I don't know what else to do but to keep trucking through it and hope that one day my hands have an epiphany.
I think I've summarized my negative feelings on this subject adequately.
The countdown has already begun: 3 years and 2 months left.
