Mixed Feelings

So lately, I've had a string of ups and downs, as I suppose is typical of the great mystery we call life.

1. I actually got a co-op job! I'll be working as a Research Assistant in Harrow for a governmental organization. Should be interesting because we're doing work with bees to implant a non-chemical pest control agent into plants via the natural pollination process. I have already settled my housing and am currently going through the tedious preparatory paperwork. I plan to catch up on all the TV shows that I am in the middle of (i.e. Dexter, One Tree Hill, True Blood, etc.) and go for a run every day to lose some of the unhealthy fat I've built up over the past year. It feels great to not have to worry about job searching anymore. Thank you, Dr. Shipp, for hiring me, despite the sinking feeling that I already know you have made a fatal mistake--and thank you, God, for making this miracle possible.

2. As are many of my peers stuck in school this summer, I am stuck in the middle of midterm season. =( Unfortunately, a lot of my friends have already finished or are nearing the end of their exams, while I still have a ways to go. I have written 2 Psychs, 2 Econs, 1 Math, 1 English Essay, and 1 Physics. As far as I know I still have at least 1 Math and 1 Psych left to write. Despite having written over 75% of my exams, I still haven't found the discipline to sit myself down and do some serious studying. I'm not sure whether it is the slack schedule in my past co-op term or the lovely summer season that has totally decimated whatever study habits were sustaining my academic life before, but it's sure taking its toll this term. I haven't been pulling good grades to my maximum potential in any subject. Even after a near failure on my Math test, I was only fazed for a few days, and the effect has kind of numbed by this point...and I don't know what to do?

3. I've gotten back into cooking--without the food poisoning, believe it or not. Mind you, my cooking is not in any sense of enjoyable gourmet cuisine calibre, but rather a survival instinct. Luckily, I've managed to shy away from the monotonous stir fry chicken dish that sustained me from September 2009-February 2010. Miraculous how that disgusting piece of crap even sustained me for that long, I know. With a bit of guidance from my cooking-keen housemate Sandra, I've managed to pull off an edible version of spaghetti. Also, in a desperate attempt to make do with the few ingredients I have, I marinated some thinly sliced pork loins with soya sauce and lemon sauce. It was unsettlingly...yummy--but can I even use that word for my cooking in ANY context? O_o

OHH Food relationship update: I've gotten into adding lemon juice and parsley into ALL my dishes. You can never go wrong with parsley <3

4. As usual, I'm still quite lost as to the direction my future will take. It makes me depressed to hear about my peers getting into professional schools already, while I'm still struggling to fit the pre-requisites into my ridiculous co-op-invaded schedule--not to mention striving to achieve a decent grade in each course. Something funny--but not really--that was brought up in psych class that I'd like to share...ironically, it's from the chapter on Motivation. Hah! Anyway, as soon as I saw the slide listing, I immediately identified myself as having identity diffusion, somewhat pridefully too!

-identity diffusion: inability to commit, no sense of direction, no choices
-identity achievement: successful identity realization
-identity foreclosure: pressured into making an early decision
-identity moratorium: struggling between choices; supposedly where most uni students are

Unfortunately, I was disappointed when my professor went through the list explaining each, and for identity diffusion, all she said was something along the lines of, "These individuals have social and academic problems. They're just in general confused."

With my new-found academic slump and all my friends starting to actually apply for and get into professional schools, I'm developing a fear of being left behind...

5. In a lame attempt to be what we foolishly value--optimistic--I recognize that with my decreased effort into my studies, there is a slight tradeoff in terms of the current enjoyment I am getting out of life.
For one, I've been going to euchre club on a regular basis this term, and I love it, as always--although not solely for the same reasons I'm used to. I've actually started to make a few friends at this club, and I've started talking to one particular loser this term. Good times...and I accomplished all this without improving my social skills in the slightest. Ah, the wonders of facebook and MSN! =)
Second, I've also been spending more time with my friends and indulging in that oh so lovely ethanol. In fact, I've developed a new friend in Smirnoff Ice and its delicate cousin Twisted Green Apple, especially in settings such as King, Tub thumper, and other *cough...games. =)

I guess it wouldn't hurt to end off on a happy note:
I just had a conversation with my brother earlier tonight, and it was probably one of the most civilized conversations I have ever had with him for at least 6 years (before he became an immature dick). I was actually very proud to hear that he was interested in striving for decent programs at specific universities in order to pursue a career in music. Sadly, that is more than I can say about the circumstances under which I chose to enter my own program.

Anyways, I truly believe he has a talent in violin, and it's about time he appreciated this enough to want to do something about it. It seems the late-blooming maturity too characteristic of the male species has finally begun to poke its head out from his overgrown mop of hair.

I'm proud of my brother Robert, and I believe in him now that he has finally decided to believe in himself. =)

Please offer your interpretation:

"Whom the gods hate they keep forever young."

The Importance of Being Modest

One of the most important traits I look for in a friend and relationship partner is modesty.

Similar to my views on "nice" people, I don't think anyone is truly modest, but those who made a sincere effort at being modest should be commended. It might just be me, but I find that I am more impressed by modesty than the amazing accomplishments that people tend to share around. Of course, there are varying levels of modesty and cockiness:

Level 1: The most obvious, extreme form of cockiness. The individual is so cocky that they feel they have the expertise to judge others in their field--whether it be "the smartest people", "the prettiest people", "the funniest people", "the best kissers", "the coolest people", etc. The worst part about level 1 is that the individual is openly aware of their own abilities and loses no opportunity to acknowledge it. Furthermore, they tend to exude an extremely superficial level of modesty to your face but behind your back, their judgement puts my critical rantings to shame. I wouldn't call these individuals insecure, but rather they are so blinded by their narcissism that they tend to be ignorant of how others might respond to their behaviour.

Level 2: At first these individuals may seem to be pretty modest. "Nono, I'm not that good at this...", but as soon as you start commending other individuals in an area they pride themselves in, they tend to defend themselves indirectly by putting down that individual. Furthermore, if they didn't do as well as they normally do in something, they will immediately defend their position with excuses and justifications as to why their best results did not show. I would say this level is where we start to see individuals with self-confidence and insecurity issues.

Level 3: "Asian" modesty. This is a less severe form of cockiness, but it can still be annoying as hell.

"Oh my gosh, I failed!"
"Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you get?"
"85."
"..."

Typically, individuals in this level are not so much insecure about their abilities, but insecure about how others view them. They need reassurance that their satisfaction with their current position also receives approval from a representative of the general public or any "outsider".

Note: Depending on which mark you get, there are arguably subcategories within this level of cockiness. If you consider failure to be a 95, that can get realllllllly annoying and can even be considered to be around level 1/2.

Level 4: This level of modesty is where I am striving to be at. This individual responds to commentary, criticism, and compliments depending on the individual that is dishing it out--not how they need to make themselves feel. If an individual is offering you a sincere compliment, by all means accept it gently and move on immediately. If an individual is offering you a superficial compliment that they are using to suck up to or network with you, I strongly encourage you to reject it. Please refer to one of the following templates:

"Nonono, this person is actually the expert you should be talking to..."
"[insert other viable reason why you will not accept their ridiculous compliment]"

Basically, don't give them the satisfaction of a networking job well done; that is one ego I would never dream of feeding.

Anyways, something I always tell myself is...
By remembering all the amazing people you hear about at the top of your grade, through the media, or from history, it keeps everything in perspective and our egos in check. Realistically, there is always someone better than you at something, so you can never settle with a few compliments. If your ego is really that disparate, by all means, use compliments and positivity to recover just enough so that you can find the motivation and will to continue working hard.

Lastly, If someone is truly good at something or has accomplished something that OUGHT to be recognized, it is likely most people are already aware of their talent or have already recognized them for the accomplishment. Why do you need to spread around the "good news" a second, third, or possibly fourth time?

Fifth Business - by Robertson Davies

As mentioned before, this is the title of one of the novels I'm reading for my ENGL 108M course this term. The literal and figurative meaning of the life moral "Never judge a book by its cover" has been hammered into my head, God knows how many times, and yet I instinctively judge books by the exterior packaging even today. When I first purchased this book from the book store, I was reluctant to start it, but I knew I had to get it over with sometime or later...and now? Well, things have surprisingly turned out for the better!

For those who have known me well before university and maybe even high school, I haven't always been the cynical/critical person I am today. I don't really know what happened along the way. I don't really know if this is a positive or negative change. I have just accepted that it's happened. I suppose it's been a combination of the people I've known, my life experiences, and my natural disposition to judge and analyze from the sidelines before taking the initiative to devise a plan of ACTION to induce desired CHANGE. Basically, a combination of the good old nature/nurture principle.

The Christie's Notes version of the book:
Dunstan Ramsay is unable to escape the guilt of a critical incident in his childhood, thereby affecting his outlook on his peers, ambitions, family, love, and life.

Anyways, the reason why this book really touched me was that I was able to identify really strongly with the main character who narrated the entire book from his perspective. In an attempt to illustrate my point, I've pulled a few passages from the book:

Liesl Vitzliputzli to Dunstan, "I beg your pardon. That is your privilege, you pseudo-cynical old pussy-cat, watching life from the sidelines and knowing where all the players go wrong. Life is a spectator sport to you. Now you have taken a tumble and found yourself in the middle of the fight, and you are whimpering because it is rough."

Again Liesl to Dunstan, "Why don't you shake hands with your devil, Ramsay, and change this foolish life of yours? Why don't you, just for once, do something inexplicable, irrational, at the devil's bidding, and just for the hell of it? You would be a different man...

Listen Ramsay, for the past three weeks you have been telling me the story of your life, with great emotional detail, and certainly it sounds as if you did not think you were human. You make yourself responsible for other people's troubles. It is your hobby...And you are secret and stiff-rumped about it all, and never admit it is damned good of you. That is not very human. You are a decent chap to everybody, except one special somebody, and that is Dunstan Ramsay. How can you be really good to anybody if you are not good to yourself?...

Even Calvinism can be endured, if you will make some compromise with yourself. But you--there is a whole great piece of your life that is unlived, denied, set aside. That is why at fifty you can't bear it any longer and fly all to pieces and pour out your heart to the first really intelligent woman you have met--met, that's to say--and get into a schoolboy yearning for a girl who is as far from you as if she lived on the moon. This is the revenge of the unlived life, Ramsay. Suddenly, it makes a fool of you."

Padre Blazon to Ramsay, "God is subtle, but he is not cruel...Try to understand the subtlety, and stop whimpering about the cruelty. Maybe God wants you for something special. Maybe so much that you are worth a woman's sanity.

Forgive yourself for being a human creature, Ramezay. That is the beginning of wisdom; that is part of what is meant by the fear of God; and for you it is the only way to save your sanity. Begin now or you will end up with your saint in the madhouse."

Dunstan himself, "...they all seemed to accept me as a genuine hero, and I did my best to behave decently, neither believing in it too obviously, not yet protesting that I was just a simple chap who had done his duty when he saw it--a pose that has always disgusted me. Ever since, I have tried to think charitably of people in prominent positions of one kind or another; we cast them in roles, and it is only right consider them as players, without trying to discredit them with knowledge of their off-stage life--unless they drag it into the middle of the stage themselves."

Since the course is Youth and Adolescence, the novel obviously relates to at least one of the two concepts. Our teacher also revealed the relation well before we delved into its pages: how incidences in childhood can affect one's growth and outlook all throughout the rest of one's life. Something I particularly enjoyed about the book was Dunstan's character. He seemed to be a really critical, grumpy, and realistic character. I like that in a narrator--none of that romantic, hopeful gibberish that female narrators are too often characterized by.

So why is this novel titled Fifth Business? It has nothing to do with business really. Again, I can't put it anymore eloquently than Davies has brilliantly done already,

"Who are you? Where do you fit into poetry and myth? Do you know who I think you are, Ramsay? I think you are Fifth Business. You don't know what that is?

Well, in opera in a permanent company of the kind we keep up in Europe you must have a prima donna--always a soprano, always the heroine, often a fool; and a tenor who always plays the lover to her; and then you must have a contralto, who is a rival to the soprano, or a sorceress or something; and a basso, who is the villain or the rival or whatever threatens the tenor.

So far, so good. But you cannot make a plot work without another man, and he is usually a baritone, and he is called in the profession Fifth Business, because he is the odd man out, the person who has no opposite of the other sex. And you must have Fifth Business because he is the one who knows the secret of the hero's birth, or comes to the assistance of the heroine when she thinks all is lost, or keeps the hermitess in her cell, or may even be the cause of somebody's death if that is part of the plot.

The prima donna and the tenor, the contralto and the basso, get all the best music and do all the spectacular things, but you cannot manage the plot without Fifth Business! It is not spectacular, but it is a good line of work, I can tell you, and those who play it sometimes have a career that outlasts the golden voices.

Are you Fifth Business? You had better find out."

LOVE THIS BOOK.

ROUND 2: Christie vs. Interviews

So I literally just had this amazing epiphany:
The reason why my interview experience for Work Term 1 was so traumatic is because I completely forgot about my life's moral, which has saved me from significant embarrassment, scarring, and post-event trauma 23094029384029384203948203948203948203948203984203948230948203984 (etc...) times in the past.

--essentially, it's just TOO life-saving for me NOT to reiterate it for you:

EXPECT THE WORST AND YOU'LL NEVER BE DISAPPOINTED

Now, given a second chance--not at a better job, mind you--but at handling major interview fails, I am now more prepared. I have already done the mental and emotional preparation required to attend numerous interviews, receive only rankings and no offers, and waste yet more of my studying time in continuous round interviews for jobs I don't really want.

EXCEPT THIS TIME...

1. I only applied for science jobs.
2. I actually have some experience to talk about when I answer questions.
3. There seems to be less competition from upper years for the same positions.
4. The ratio of jobs to students seems friendlier in the spring term :)

NOTE: Why do each of my posts become more optimistic every time? What is this world coming to?? Well, in an effort to avoid disappointing the reader who has come to know my true self, read on.

Perhaps these factors that I have pointed out will increase my chances at obtaining a more relevant job for the fall. Perhaps not.

Perhaps I will finally be able to escape the horrors of Scibus and integrate myself into the general science student body. Perhaps not.

Perhaps I won't find a job, and this will be my last term of co-op(!)? Perhaps not [ :( ]...


Time, tell me what to do...you tend to make most of my decisions anyway...