Tis the Exam Season

I've never been much for the coffee shop culture, but with my recent difficulty studying at home I've been going to Starbucks and occasionally Williams to get some studying done. It's not me at my most productive but, considering my waning study habits, "productive" is a relative term now. I'm still struggling with school and trying my best to stay focused and motivated, and I suppose this behaviour is a step in the right direction. If you haven't heard me complain endlessly about the insane December schedule I had last year, here is this year's schedule to give you some idea of my pain (as well as an idea of the kind of courses I'm taking):
Dec 1 - Endodontics
3 - Diagnosis and Treatment Planning
4 - Fixed Prosthodontics
5 - Operative
9 - Practice Administration
10 - Periodontics
12 - Oral Diseases
15 - Anaesthesia
17 - Growth and Development

Random thoughts regarding the quotation "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I love lemons--in candy, in food, and occasionally by itself for a fun wake-me-upper haha. That said, this quote doesn't really hit home for me, but I'd much rather revise it to be: When life gives you coriander, spit it out. I warned you--random.

Does anorexia make you nervosa?

There's a wide spectrum of girls' appetites and attitudes about how they want their eating capability to be perceived by others. I'm referring mainly to the quantity of food. Some girls just have smaller appetites. Some girls force themselves to eat less in order to sculpt themselves into their idea of their own "perfect body". Some just eat to their heart's content as long as it's reasonably healthy, or they're able to compensate for the caloric intake through other means (e.g. exercise). But the one type of girl that has stood out to me lately is the one that, weirdly enough, wants people to think they eat a lot--often more than they actually do. It's kind of weird actually...I don't know why but for some reason it reminds me of reverse discrimination. Anyway, worst analogy but let me attempt to explain where I think this "big eater" mentality comes from. 

Many girls who "watch what they eat" are doing so to avoid "getting fat". As you know such situations may progress to the point of a girl becoming anorexic (diagnosis: anorexia nervosa). Even when it doesn't, the comment always comes out in one form or another (jokingly or not): "Omg, that girl is so anorexic" or "How come you don't eat a lot? Are you anorexic?" Sometimes I worry this awareness (great!) of the disease has actually created more of a stigma (not so great...) around it; thus some girls don't want people to think they have smaller appetites (because God forbid that would make you an "anorexic") and make a show of how much they eat. This is one rationale I believe to be behind this. Another one may be that this "big eater" mentality is a passive aggressive form of bragging. A lot of the girls that engage in this behaviour are quite skinny, so I believe they adopt this behaviour to make it obvious that they eat a lot but still manage to maintain their image. Think about it--how many plus size girls with big appetites aggressively publicize how much they eat? 

I guess I made this post to rant about one of the appetite types that have been bugging me lately. I can't even blame these girls entirely because their behaviour is, I believe, a result of societal circumstance. I personally can vouch for the societal behaviours shaping the "big eater" attitude because I have felt the need to adopt it from time to time. 

One time a guy was trying to point out (in a mocking tone) how little I was eating at a sushi buffet saying that I don't eat anything and that he eats sooo much more than me. There are several things I'd like to point out about this story:
A. I'm not a huge fan of sushi, so obviously I'm not going to go all out eating. Of course when people like a certain food, they'll often magically have more room to eat it--EXHIBIT A: DESSERT.
B. Many times people mistakenly assume I eat less than them because they continue eating longer than me. That is flawed thinking because I'm a relatively quick eater, so comparing the end times of our meals says nothing about who ate more. 
C. I pointed out a past situation where we both ordered medium pizzas from the same restaurant at the same time where I finished my whole pizza in one sitting and he ate maybe 5 out of the 8 slices. When I brought up this incident, his response was that he could have eaten it all if he wanted to. Even in the unlikely scenario where that may have been true, the fact that I was hungry enough to eat my whole pizza but he wasn't indicates that I have a larger appetite. 
D.  Calm yourself, it's not a contest. Even if it was, males tend to be physically larger than females on the average, so your picking a fight with me over this is really quite pathetic. 

Anyway, I'm surprised myself that a guy is involved in such a scenario. I would think that girls are usually worse at making other girls feel bad about their eating habits; that's just how girls are. I think it relates to the motivations for why girls judge other girls and the comments they make. Females like to see how they compare to other females and because of our sensitive side we may harbour feelings of envy that come out as potentially passive-aggressive comments in order to feel better about ourselves. 

Basically, what I can glean from my reflection of this attitude and the forces that have shaped it is that we need to stop commenting on how much people, particularly girls, eat. Especially at our weight-gaining age, it can be a bit of a sensitive topic, and people have their personal reasons for their own eating habits. It's juvenile to make it a contest or pass judgement.

So, embarrassing story...

If I haven't already told you about it, my school is having a lot of administrative problems that are making this difficult school year unnecessarily more difficult. I'd rather not go into the details because it's a complex problem that doesn't really make sense unless you're familiar with the typical goings-on of a dentistry program. Also, I've exhausted the topic by ranting it about it already to a select few unfortunate individuals. Anyway, the bottom line of all these issues is that I haven't been doing well on the assessments so far. I'm not talking about the "oh no I didn't get a 90" standard--I actually haven't been achieving the passing grade of 60 on almost every single practical/quiz/project that we've had so far this year. This frustrating situation has come about from a combination of: administrative problems with my school, lack of motivation/dedication, fatigue from a strenuous school schedule, and MOST IMPORTANTLY insufficient practice time to develop my skills and figure out hands-on things by getting my hands on things (you'd think this would be a given but it isn't). 

Anyway, this situation has been going on since the beginning of the school year. Today my mental/emotional state kind of decided it had reached its limit, and I broke down. Yes, that was my embarrassing moment of the day. After an unproductive drilling practice session (mind you, after a 12 hour school day spanning 8am-8pm), I guess I reached the last straw. As I waited for my roommate in the locker room, I reflected on how things were going (biiiig mistake), and I could kind of feel tears coming up so I left the locker room to sit somewhere more isolated. Unfortunately, this "isolated" area ended up being a popular exit for many of my classmates, and that's where the tears actually started to come out. I awkwardly tried to hide my face and play with the only thing I had on me (a hairclip), but some people saw me. I tried to brush it off because I didn't want to talk about it, and I got out of there as soon as I could. It was super embarrassing because I don't really like friends or acquaintances to see me cry. The worst part was that I felt silly crying over a situation that every single one of my other classmates were also dealing with, but I just couldn't stop.

When I eventually got home, I was still super embarrassed and took a little while to calm down. My roommate was super nice and gave me cut fruits, offered to cook food for me, and basically said she was there to talk whenever I needed it. I feel very thankful that I have her, but I also feel ridiculous about the whole situation. I know it's normal to cry once in a while, but I'd rather it didn't happen in front of so many of my classmates. Estrogen op.

Cooking at Varied Speeds

For those who know me pretty well, you know that I'm not much of a cook. While I love living away from home for school, one thing I really hate about it is having to fend for my own "consumables". Like any student, I go into each year with nauseatingly optimistic expectations/plans about my diet for the school year. And every time I have attempted to improve my cooking skills, save money, eat healthier, etc., I have failed...until now! :) 

This year I am living with one of my classmates, and it's working out pretty well! We are quite compatible in our living and study habits. Having a roommate that I can really connect and interact well with has motivated me to care more about the cleanliness of the apartment and take more initiative with my cooking. It helps that she is a good cook who is often willing to offer me tips. She also shares her meals with me from time to time, and this compels me to make some food of my own and share it with her in return (at her own risk of course). So far some of the dishes that I have been successful with include: 

1. My classic foolproof dish...Pasta
2. Mapo tofu - the chinese flavour packets are amazing for this.
3. Korean curry - I figured this out last year when I was living on my own, and I manage to get it right from time to time.
4. Asian style noodle stir fry - inspired by one of my classmates who recommended a Chinese hot chili bean sauce. The Chinese are honestly lifesavers with their delicious sauces. Just make sure you check the label for MSG-free products.
5. Korean pork belly with side dishes (aka Samgyup sal) - also a relatively recent discovery from last year. Easy to do and makes me feel healthy when I wrap it in lettuce with a korean hot pepper paste. Unfortunately this go-to recipe will probably go into hibernation for a while because I'm getting sick of it.
6. Kimchi fried rice - another one of my classic go-to's. It's pretty hard to go wrong with this dish, but I can't make this recipe too often because I rarely go back home during the school year, which is where I usually get my kimchi. 
7. Sausage stir fry - spur of the moment dish where I added tomato sauce and peppers. I consider this dish to be an especially significant accomplishment because it's the first time I've successfully made (or even attempted) a sausage dish since I food poisoned myself with uncooked sausages. I guess I was a bit traumatized...

8. And my latest experiment is also inspired by one of my classmates. One time I was at her place when I smelled something amazing cooking in the kitchen. That was my first encounter with the wonderful invention called the slow cooker. If I wasn't sold at the smell, I was definitely convinced I had to have one when she proceeded to explain that slow cookers were ridiculously simple to use: just throw things into it. 

So...lengthy prelude out of the way, here I am waiting to see how my slow cooker recipe turns out. This weekend I prepped a random slow cooker recipe that I found on the internet. It's super basic (and I mean that word in the least trendy way possible). Just-literally-THREW IN carrots, potatoes, onions, garlic, and pork ribs with some wine, rosemary, and italian dressing to the slow cooker. I had to prep this in advance for tomorrow's meal because this is a super busy school week for me (a complaint for another time). I'm excited to try it tomorrow because it already smelled delicious while it was cooking. 

Anyway, after my few (yet notable!) cooking successes this year, I feel I've already improved a lot from where I was before. Hopefully I can keep it up and continue to expand my boundaries. Before I know it I'll be able to actually look forward to making and eating my own food--a vital life skill that I've always wanted to acquire but without prior success. 

--Then again, it's still quite early in the year; it's not too late for my old patterns to resurface. What's a Christie post without a little realism?

Blurry and Out of Focus

This post is meant to elaborate on one of the major things that has been bothering me about school lately: my poor work habits and inability to motivate myself to learn. Having finally achieved my goal of making it into this program and being basically set for my career path, I think I've lost the motivation to push myself academically. No matter how close I feel to the edge--whether it's the day before a final exam or I'm on the verge of failing a course--I feel the subconscious tingling of guilt and stress but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. In undergrad, I've had my moments of laziness and procrastination for sure but never to this extent. I'd always pull through for myself within the last few days, and everything would work out. Somehow things are different now.

Maybe I'm truly burnt out from school now...? Or maybe I've finally met my academic limit and I am not capable of handling this kind of workload? Who knows. Whatever it is, I try to keep myself sane by focusing on the bigger picture. I want to become a dentist and to do that, I need to become a competent clinician through plenty of learning, practice, and patience. I honestly don't know what else to do but to keep on it. 

Sometimes I even get angry at myself for being so lazy and unmotivated because I know that spots in this program are very competitive, and I can't help but wonder if I'm taking the place of someone more deserving. 

On the same note of stress and despair, I feel pretty discouraged about my skills as a prospective dentist. I'm not doing very well with the few drilling or filling exercises that we've covered so far. Before I entered the program, my uncle (who is currently a dentist) warned me that developing clinical skills and dexterity will be very discouraging at times and not to give up. I always try to keep this in mind when I'm having these doubts, but in the end they're just words to me. I can't help what I feel. People say "Oh, we're all going through the same thing because we're all new to these skills. Don't worry!". But again, they feel like empty words. I see the work that people are doing, and no one else seems to be struggling as I am; thus, the excuse of me being new to these skills doesn't seem valid to me. Again, I don't know what else to do but to keep trucking through it and hope that one day my hands have an epiphany. 

I think I've summarized my negative feelings on this subject adequately. 
The countdown has already begun: 3 years and 2 months left.

It's been a while crocodile

Hello there! Feeling boring of my games and not having much going on with school right now, I decided to return to my blog. After all, you know me, I can never complain enough. Enough with the inverted sentences though...

So where am I in my life right now? Literally, I am in a single apartment 5-minutes walk from class. Where is my class? Class is at the Medical Sciences building at Western University. I am now open to stalk, but trust me I'm not even worth stalking. Life-wise/less literally, I am almost done my first year of my doctor of dental surgery degree. In a lighter shade of English, that means I'm almost 1/4th dentist! :) Yes, I have finally picked a definite direction for my life, and I have to say it's pretty exciting. I love being able to quantify how much more schooling I have and count down the days until I enter the real world! I'm so ready to finish school, get my own place, buy car insurance, have 100 percent control over what goes into and out of my bank account, and have the right to allow whoever I want into my own place whenever I want! All this sounds amazing when I think about it, yet when I get so bogged down in the details of my current schooling situation, I tend to feel depressed and overwhelmed at times when I should instead be thankful and try to enjoy life a little more. Then again, that's always been my problem: I focus so much on the little problems despite the things that are going my way and end up skewing the overall picture. 

Anyway, just writing this post has definitely served its purpose. To be honest, I came here to sulk and basically perform an emotional vomit on the Internet; instead talking out what my situation actually is has reminded me (yet again!) to see the good in my situation and to go with the flow. Now to go do girly things and try on my friend's dresses for a potential formal event that I will be attending this weekend. It really is true that we make our own happiness...just wish I was a better, more consistent maker.