Mixed Feelings

So lately, I've had a string of ups and downs, as I suppose is typical of the great mystery we call life.

1. I actually got a co-op job! I'll be working as a Research Assistant in Harrow for a governmental organization. Should be interesting because we're doing work with bees to implant a non-chemical pest control agent into plants via the natural pollination process. I have already settled my housing and am currently going through the tedious preparatory paperwork. I plan to catch up on all the TV shows that I am in the middle of (i.e. Dexter, One Tree Hill, True Blood, etc.) and go for a run every day to lose some of the unhealthy fat I've built up over the past year. It feels great to not have to worry about job searching anymore. Thank you, Dr. Shipp, for hiring me, despite the sinking feeling that I already know you have made a fatal mistake--and thank you, God, for making this miracle possible.

2. As are many of my peers stuck in school this summer, I am stuck in the middle of midterm season. =( Unfortunately, a lot of my friends have already finished or are nearing the end of their exams, while I still have a ways to go. I have written 2 Psychs, 2 Econs, 1 Math, 1 English Essay, and 1 Physics. As far as I know I still have at least 1 Math and 1 Psych left to write. Despite having written over 75% of my exams, I still haven't found the discipline to sit myself down and do some serious studying. I'm not sure whether it is the slack schedule in my past co-op term or the lovely summer season that has totally decimated whatever study habits were sustaining my academic life before, but it's sure taking its toll this term. I haven't been pulling good grades to my maximum potential in any subject. Even after a near failure on my Math test, I was only fazed for a few days, and the effect has kind of numbed by this point...and I don't know what to do?

3. I've gotten back into cooking--without the food poisoning, believe it or not. Mind you, my cooking is not in any sense of enjoyable gourmet cuisine calibre, but rather a survival instinct. Luckily, I've managed to shy away from the monotonous stir fry chicken dish that sustained me from September 2009-February 2010. Miraculous how that disgusting piece of crap even sustained me for that long, I know. With a bit of guidance from my cooking-keen housemate Sandra, I've managed to pull off an edible version of spaghetti. Also, in a desperate attempt to make do with the few ingredients I have, I marinated some thinly sliced pork loins with soya sauce and lemon sauce. It was unsettlingly...yummy--but can I even use that word for my cooking in ANY context? O_o

OHH Food relationship update: I've gotten into adding lemon juice and parsley into ALL my dishes. You can never go wrong with parsley <3

4. As usual, I'm still quite lost as to the direction my future will take. It makes me depressed to hear about my peers getting into professional schools already, while I'm still struggling to fit the pre-requisites into my ridiculous co-op-invaded schedule--not to mention striving to achieve a decent grade in each course. Something funny--but not really--that was brought up in psych class that I'd like to share...ironically, it's from the chapter on Motivation. Hah! Anyway, as soon as I saw the slide listing, I immediately identified myself as having identity diffusion, somewhat pridefully too!

-identity diffusion: inability to commit, no sense of direction, no choices
-identity achievement: successful identity realization
-identity foreclosure: pressured into making an early decision
-identity moratorium: struggling between choices; supposedly where most uni students are

Unfortunately, I was disappointed when my professor went through the list explaining each, and for identity diffusion, all she said was something along the lines of, "These individuals have social and academic problems. They're just in general confused."

With my new-found academic slump and all my friends starting to actually apply for and get into professional schools, I'm developing a fear of being left behind...

5. In a lame attempt to be what we foolishly value--optimistic--I recognize that with my decreased effort into my studies, there is a slight tradeoff in terms of the current enjoyment I am getting out of life.
For one, I've been going to euchre club on a regular basis this term, and I love it, as always--although not solely for the same reasons I'm used to. I've actually started to make a few friends at this club, and I've started talking to one particular loser this term. Good times...and I accomplished all this without improving my social skills in the slightest. Ah, the wonders of facebook and MSN! =)
Second, I've also been spending more time with my friends and indulging in that oh so lovely ethanol. In fact, I've developed a new friend in Smirnoff Ice and its delicate cousin Twisted Green Apple, especially in settings such as King, Tub thumper, and other *cough...games. =)

I guess it wouldn't hurt to end off on a happy note:
I just had a conversation with my brother earlier tonight, and it was probably one of the most civilized conversations I have ever had with him for at least 6 years (before he became an immature dick). I was actually very proud to hear that he was interested in striving for decent programs at specific universities in order to pursue a career in music. Sadly, that is more than I can say about the circumstances under which I chose to enter my own program.

Anyways, I truly believe he has a talent in violin, and it's about time he appreciated this enough to want to do something about it. It seems the late-blooming maturity too characteristic of the male species has finally begun to poke its head out from his overgrown mop of hair.

I'm proud of my brother Robert, and I believe in him now that he has finally decided to believe in himself. =)