One of the most important traits I look for in a friend and relationship partner is modesty.
Similar to my views on "nice" people, I don't think anyone is truly modest, but those who made a sincere effort at being modest should be commended. It might just be me, but I find that I am more impressed by modesty than the amazing accomplishments that people tend to share around. Of course, there are varying levels of modesty and cockiness:
Level 1: The most obvious, extreme form of cockiness. The individual is so cocky that they feel they have the expertise to judge others in their field--whether it be "the smartest people", "the prettiest people", "the funniest people", "the best kissers", "the coolest people", etc. The worst part about level 1 is that the individual is openly aware of their own abilities and loses no opportunity to acknowledge it. Furthermore, they tend to exude an extremely superficial level of modesty to your face but behind your back, their judgement puts my critical rantings to shame. I wouldn't call these individuals insecure, but rather they are so blinded by their narcissism that they tend to be ignorant of how others might respond to their behaviour.
Level 2: At first these individuals may seem to be pretty modest. "Nono, I'm not that good at this...", but as soon as you start commending other individuals in an area they pride themselves in, they tend to defend themselves indirectly by putting down that individual. Furthermore, if they didn't do as well as they normally do in something, they will immediately defend their position with excuses and justifications as to why their best results did not show. I would say this level is where we start to see individuals with self-confidence and insecurity issues.
Level 3: "Asian" modesty. This is a less severe form of cockiness, but it can still be annoying as hell.
"Oh my gosh, I failed!"
"Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you get?"
"85."
"..."
Typically, individuals in this level are not so much insecure about their abilities, but insecure about how others view them. They need reassurance that their satisfaction with their current position also receives approval from a representative of the general public or any "outsider".
Note: Depending on which mark you get, there are arguably subcategories within this level of cockiness. If you consider failure to be a 95, that can get realllllllly annoying and can even be considered to be around level 1/2.
Level 4: This level of modesty is where I am striving to be at. This individual responds to commentary, criticism, and compliments depending on the individual that is dishing it out--not how they need to make themselves feel. If an individual is offering you a sincere compliment, by all means accept it gently and move on immediately. If an individual is offering you a superficial compliment that they are using to suck up to or network with you, I strongly encourage you to reject it. Please refer to one of the following templates:
"Nonono, this person is actually the expert you should be talking to..."
"[insert other viable reason why you will not accept their ridiculous compliment]"
Basically, don't give them the satisfaction of a networking job well done; that is one ego I would never dream of feeding.
Anyways, something I always tell myself is...
By remembering all the amazing people you hear about at the top of your grade, through the media, or from history, it keeps everything in perspective and our egos in check. Realistically, there is always someone better than you at something, so you can never settle with a few compliments. If your ego is really that disparate, by all means, use compliments and positivity to recover just enough so that you can find the motivation and will to continue working hard.
Lastly, If someone is truly good at something or has accomplished something that OUGHT to be recognized, it is likely most people are already aware of their talent or have already recognized them for the accomplishment. Why do you need to spread around the "good news" a second, third, or possibly fourth time?
About the "Asian" modesty: it's not limited to Asians and it's not limited to marks. It's called fishing for compliments. You hear it from insecure girls who aren't ugly and know they aren't ugly but they say things like "I'm so ugly" (or they complain about some feature) around guys because they know the guy will respond with something like "What? No you're not! You're hot!" to reinforce their ego. Fortunately, some guys are smart enough to identify their ploy and will instead refuse to give them that compliment they want to hear.
ReplyDeletelol That is true. I guess it was simply the first example that popped into my head--similar to how the first example that popped into your head was the non-ugly girls example.
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to pick a fight......
ReplyDeletebut I find this post ironic. How you say the first level is characterized by people who are judgemental, but aren't you technically judging people who display these actions with this very opinionated post? Maybe some people who do show these actions really believe they are being modest, it's not really up to us to judge them as being fake......
Oh, I guess that's somewhat true, Jamie.
ReplyDeleteI think I was thinking of some cocky people that blatantly compliment others on something that they themselves are better at. But behind those people's backs, they talk to others about how that person isn't that good--and their cockiness only becomes evident to some...
-Christie