So, this week wasn't good from a practical standpoint (I've been told it's practical to worry about your GPA and career development). I had two midterms, and I'm pretty sure neither of them went too well. Unfortunately, all I can honestly say about it is, "Oh well." I don't know where this indifference is coming from, but my apathy for school is creeping up on me again, and I don't know whether to feel scared or relieved--I am even apathetic about my apathy.
Up an octave, physically, I feel better about everything...and I guess, myself. :) Last night, I went to sleep at a reasonable time: 1am. Baby steps right? Oh! A major reason why I haven't been sleeping lately is because I've been studying so hard. OH GOD, I hope you didn't believe me; I'm not nearly as dedicated as my ethnicity makes me out to be. -_-" The REAL reason why I've been staying up late is that I recently received Fire Emblem: Sealed Sword for GBA emulator, and it's been distracting me from schoolwork all term. I guess in a way I am a dedicated Asian because I just couldn't put the game down without beating it to completion. AND LAST NIGHT I FINALLY BEAT IT--well sort of, but lets not get into that. :(
This weekend, I went home and ate turkey with my family! It was less dry than turkey usually is, and the stuffing was amazing. THE END. Good stuffing means an amazing meal. Period. Well, I guess I should mention the other stuff anyway...so I had dinner with my family on the Saturday, and my mom made TOO much food. Hah, at least I'm not at home, so I don't have to help with all the leftovers. Sunday, I went to my Aunt's and we had Hakka takeout. It was interesting: a bit saucy and we could have chosen spicier dishes, but it was something new. It was also a celebration of my little cousin's birthday! She is turning 2 this year, and she seems to be developing faster than other kids her age. I'm rather interested to see how she turns out. I hate how my aunts, uncles, and parents keep comparing her to the development of me and my cousins. It pokes me right in my competitive spot; I feel like I want to go back to that age and show them that I can be advanced too...
Well, this week I've been reflecting on how I interact with my peers and "friends", and I think either I'm getting better at it or they are. Not exactly sure which, but somehow they've become more tolerable, and I'm starting to enjoy their company more (as I imagine I should be). I don't know what else to think or write, so I shall end that thought there.
Something random that occurred to me today:
Not that I'm emo or seeking attention, but I was thinking about people who have attempted or succeeded at suicide. Somehow it occurred to me that if I attempted suicide and backed out at the last minute or was completely unsuccessful, not only would I have to continue living, but I would also have to deal with the repercussions of my perceived emotional instability and failed attempt. Aside from all the friend/family shock, I again looked at this from a "practical" standpoint: If I ever wanted to apply for professional schools or "higher-end" jobs, my attempted suicide probably screwed whatever slim chances I ever had. Moral being, if you're going to do something, go for it all the way, I guess? I'm not sure there's really a moral in that, but it's what was going through my convoluted brain on the long walk to orchestra rehearsal.
Anyway, I'm going to try to squeeze in some forced productivity and attempt a self-imposed curfew. Good morning, good afternoon, and good night!
I wanna write a blog now.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the phrase "failed suicide" - it completely ignores the individual's merits to strength, resilience and survival in surviving depression. "Failed suicide" - it is victim blaming and the reasons for suicide (depression due to money troubles, pressures, lack of supports etc.) are structural. I would say there something is wrong *if* these so-called "professional schools or 'higher-end' jobs" discriminate against those who have survived- if anything, it makes such applicants attractive due to their strength, resilience and accomplished self-awareness. We should be more open about our feelings instead of making things like depression/suicide taboo, i say.
ReplyDeleteJohn, you should. :) Link me when you're all set up.
ReplyDeleteSinthu, that is an interesting point about the word "failure". While it commonly carries a negative connotation, I don't always see it as a negative word--and that's certainly not how I meant to use it in this case. By failed suicide, I just meant something went wrong in the attempt; I don't think it has anything to do with the character of the individual. Backing out on the last minute is a different story, however, and certainly these individuals may demonstrate admirable strength, resilience, self-awareness, etc.
Also, I completely agree that there is something wrong if such an incident would be used against an evaluation of an individual, yet from seeing how the application/interview process works so far, I feel such an incident WOULD negatively impact one's standing and "suitability" for the position. Referring to the naturalistic fallacy (which I recently covered in Evolution, hehe), of course the ways things are aren't necessarily the way things should be.
Furthermore, to consider the other end of the spectrum, I guess that admission boards and recruiters have to consider cases of attempted suicide seriously. Although some of these individuals have grown from the experience and deserve the benefit of the doubt, some haven't and these evaluators have to protect their own backs by assuming the worst. In addition, what kind of message does it send if attempted suicides are the new spokesperson for positive characteristics? What's to stop some twisted individuals from attempting it? I know that people ALREADY go through interesting lengths to make themselves seem like the "ideal candidate" for things like Med school or even a competitive work position.
Oh and, Sinthu, to address your discomfort (and rightly so!) with the word failure, I will replace it with attempted.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments, Christie; interesting to read.
ReplyDeleteIn your example of the extreme end of the spectrum, (i.e. survivors as spokespersons for positive characteristics) - I think it would be a really good message because suicide/depression is something difficult to overcome. Also, there is a lack of support due to the taboo of suicide and other issues of mental health - especially if you are looked upon unfavourably by institutions. You're right, things are messed and oppressive - i really think it is these structures that need to be challenged and that's what i hope to concentrate my work on but i guess that another blog post.
And medical school... ah, don't get me started on the elitism and ridiculousness it fosters! lol