Mid-Dental School Life Crisis

Not sure what happened over the break, but I feel less stressed and uptight about school since I came back after Christmas. I know school is still picking back up, but I feel like I'm also in a better mood and my hobbies are changing. Gone are the days where I got my daily guilty fix from online (usually MOBA) gaming and non-stop board gaming. Instead, I've been sleeping earlier, getting back into reading (non-academic literature FINALLY), watching a few strongly recommended TV shows and movies, and listening to Classical music. 

For those interested, a bit more detail on each of the changes I mentioned:
1. Sleeping earlier around 10:30 pm - 1 am (vs. my previous 2-4 am bedtime).
2. Reading up on classics I only ever heard about but never read. Currently working on Dickens' Tale of Two Cities. Reading this classic piece of literature serves as a sad reminder of how long it's been since I've read a decent book. Some of the language is hard to wrap my head around, so I have to give certain passages a few tries before it sinks in. I feel like my reading maturity/skills stopped around grade 12 (i.e. like most people, around the time high school English ended and university started); this is something I'd like to work on. This change is particularly refreshing because I feel like I'm getting back in touch with everything I love about language, words, and fresh storytelling. Also trying to get back into the habit of noting new/unfamiliar words that I come across to expand my own vocabulary (the growth of which probably also halted around grade 12).
3. I've found a few TV/movie buddies (one in particular!) that have very similar tastes. As a result, I've been exposed to goodies like There will be Blood, Cube, and Fargo (TV show). I also finally watched Sin City 2. I don't care what the ratings say; I loved it.
4. Classical music listening...this probably started when I visited my friend's website promoting his music school. Every time I hear him play a serious Classical piece, (it sounds crazy and totally cheesy, I know) I fall into a trance-like state. This experience reminds me of the days when I used to support my brother at his violin competitions and he pulled off an amazing performance that made me proud to be seen with him (for once, jk). I think I might be approaching that age that I was forewarned about all my life...where I regret not putting more effort into practicing piano. Everyone (especially my mom) taunted me with this forecast, and I'll never admit it to their faces, but I think it is finally coming true...now...? For those who don't know, fun fact: my favourite Classical composers are Beethoven, Chopin, Debussy, Rachmaninov (roughly in that order). Yeah, surprise (or not) I'm essentially a Romantic girl.

I can't even attribute these positive changes to the new year because I didn't make new year's resolutions, and I barely remember to write "2015" or "xx/xx/15" at the top of my notes. It all just feels very new and strange...is something wrong with me? Am I having some sort of personal crisis with oddly beneficial side effects? Maybe after school gets back into full swing, I'll just lapse back into the game-addicted, sleep-deprived slob I was/know/am comfortable with...I'll report back with whatever happens.

Yeah, this was a post of me complaining about how happy (?) I am...

It's been a while crocodile

Hello there! Feeling boring of my games and not having much going on with school right now, I decided to return to my blog. After all, you know me, I can never complain enough. Enough with the inverted sentences though...

So where am I in my life right now? Literally, I am in a single apartment 5-minutes walk from class. Where is my class? Class is at the Medical Sciences building at Western University. I am now open to stalk, but trust me I'm not even worth stalking. Life-wise/less literally, I am almost done my first year of my doctor of dental surgery degree. In a lighter shade of English, that means I'm almost 1/4th dentist! :) Yes, I have finally picked a definite direction for my life, and I have to say it's pretty exciting. I love being able to quantify how much more schooling I have and count down the days until I enter the real world! I'm so ready to finish school, get my own place, buy car insurance, have 100 percent control over what goes into and out of my bank account, and have the right to allow whoever I want into my own place whenever I want! All this sounds amazing when I think about it, yet when I get so bogged down in the details of my current schooling situation, I tend to feel depressed and overwhelmed at times when I should instead be thankful and try to enjoy life a little more. Then again, that's always been my problem: I focus so much on the little problems despite the things that are going my way and end up skewing the overall picture. 

Anyway, just writing this post has definitely served its purpose. To be honest, I came here to sulk and basically perform an emotional vomit on the Internet; instead talking out what my situation actually is has reminded me (yet again!) to see the good in my situation and to go with the flow. Now to go do girly things and try on my friend's dresses for a potential formal event that I will be attending this weekend. It really is true that we make our own happiness...just wish I was a better, more consistent maker. 

Vertically challenged and full of C6H12O6

Does it say something about us if...

Gangnam style can break into the North American market through some ridiculous Youtube video (of which  most people don't even know/care about the true meaning), while other half-decent, hardworking international artists have to struggle for it. I'm thinking Wonder Girls and Boa but I'm certain there are tons more.

Extreme lack of talent (e.g. Rebecca Black) can become more popular than slightly above-average talent through a general eagerness to criticize and troll.

Professionals (e.g doctors, teachers, athletes - namely HOCKEY PLAYERS) are fighting tooth and nail to maintain their (in some cases, ridiculously high) pay while there are many recent graduates and aspiring professionals eager to get even their toe in the door. We need professionals who are actually going to contribute to the profession  positively instead of worrying about how much they're paid and throwing around their weight with overestimated self-importance. Here is my concerning question: does that happen to all of us once we get into that cushy position?

These are a few of my favourite things

Unlike many of my posts, this one is actually happy and (mostly) complaint free. Just wanted to post a list of my favourite things. Thinking about them makes me happy and realize how much I'm changing all the time. 

FAVOURITE...
Food - avocado (in sandwiches, with nachos, and spread on bread)
Movie - The Christopher Nolan Batman series (EPICNESS)
Music - Billy Talent AND Bruno Mars (distinct genres but can't decide between them!)
Colour - Red (I know I had a purple fling, but that's over now...mostly)
Actor - Matt Damon andddd (not to be disloyal) but I'm starting to like Joseph Gordon Levitt (and not just for his acting ;))
Actress - Catherine Zeta Jones (always was, always will be...maybe?)
Online game - LoL (no brainer)
Board game - Clue (but Bang! is right up there, just need to play it recently, and I'm sure it will shoot to the top again!)
Drink - V8 Peach and Mango (sooo good, especially right after work)
Clothing store - Haven't been able to pick any clothes lately, but my largest most recent purchase was at Joe Fresh 
TV Show - Dexter HANDS DOWN (my other shows Once Upon a Time and Arrow have been EXTREMELY disappointing as of late)
Friends: Alex and Justin (alphabetized)

Summer Updates

THE INTRO PART
I can honestly conclude that this summer has been a relatively good one--and I feel like it's been long overdue. What made it good? Well, after a long dry spell of pretentiously reassuring ourselves that "Our house is pretty much like a cottage. It's nice to just relax here, and we don't have to spend any money either!", my family went on an ACTUAL vacation this summer. It's been...what, 10 years?

THE PART ABOUT THE NOT-AS-LAME-AS-EXPECTED VACATION
It was about an 8-day vacation in the Canadian Rockies. It was an active, somewhat relaxing trip. Most days were spent hiking. I'm not a big fan of it, and I wasn't actually looking forward to the trip beforehand, but it turned out to be okay. Plus, the outdoor activity helps to justify my excessive eating habits at home. The highlight of my trip was probably going whitewater rafting for the first time with my dad, brother, and cousin. For those of you familiar with the grading system of rapids, we went on a level 2/3. It was fun, but we all conceded that next time we'd have to go with a higher grading to up the excitement. As for the rest of the trip, we spent most days hiking mountains and exploring lake areas. It's amazing how the highway is just filled with trees and mountains--not a building in sight, so it was quite a shock when we got back to the GTA. Still, I've never been much of a landscape person, so after a few drives and hikes everything really starts to look the same.

THE PART ABOUT DRIVING
Also, I've finally gotten around to booking my G test. I planned to do it the weekend of the first week back to school, but I stupidly booked it for the Monday thinking Sept 19 was a Sunday. No idea what calendar I was looking at... Ugh, and missing an entire day in the second week of classes--GREAT start to the term. It's a real pain, and I'm not sure I even know anyone in those classes to get notes off of, but I really just want to get my stupid G out of the way before it expires. -_-" Live and learn--for me, both have been quite painful.

THE PART ABOUT THE MINI NIAGARA TRIP
In the past few days, I've also been in the Niagara-on-the-Lake area on a mini-trip with some of my family. It was another active/semi-relaxing trip with biking and hiking all over again. My aunt made some nice pasta. My favourite part of the dish was the arugula and basil that she topped it with. It tastes amazingggg to have the fresh ingredients on an otherwise slightly-above-average pasta. I highly recommend it!

THE PART ABOUT SCHOOL STUFF
As for school, I'm dreading it. If you didn't know, I just switched out of the Science and Business program into Biomedical Sciences this past winter, so I'm scrambling to obtain all the graduation requirements. Plus, it would be nice to finish school when I'm supposed to (vs. 1 year later because of the co-op program I was previously in). Unfortunately, all this amounts to me taking 4 consecutive school terms with only a few weeks of break between each--and I'm only halfway there.

THE PART DEMONSTRATING MY TYPE A PERSONALITY
I don't really want to rant about my usual life worries because I feel like I've already over-publicized that subject. Just know they're still alive and more than well.

THE OVER-ANALYTICAL, SELF-SYMPATHIZING PART
For some reason, I feel really down these days. Not even angry or irritable anymore, but just apathetic and lethargic. I'm certain it's not depression or anything seriously medical, but I feel stuck between needing major change in my life and being too afraid to leave my comfort zone. I've thought about it, and a lot of it seems to do with the friends I have and the things I'm doing. I feel like I need to meet new people and make friends that are more compatible with me. A change of scenery. I'm not even sure whether it's me or my surroundings that are the problem, and I don't think it will be easy to change either. I don't really know what the next steps in my life are, and when my options are presented to me, it just feels so overwhelming and intimidating. I wish I had more courage, more independence. Can anyone just develop those traits if they work hard enough at it, or are some of us just stuck with what we are? What if what I am is not enough? Nobody wants to consider that alternative, so we optimistically settle with the motto that anyone can do anything if you just put your heart into it. I wonder if that's really the case.

Blue in More than my Face

Lately, I've been feeling super angry/frustrated/annoyed/disappointed at/in everyone--even more than usual. I've tried to be objective and carefully considered the possibility that it's PMS, but I don't think it's (near) my time of the month for a little while more. Other than that, I can't really think of any reason for why I see everyone as one shade darker than the usual black these days. It's not because of overstudying or anything like that...I haven't been studying that hard for the past couple weeks. I've actually managed to include exercise into my university routine :) Since, in my blackened state, I have a lot of things to complain about, I've divided this post into a few major sections for convenient, selective navigation.

EXERCISE

I bought a shoetag membership that lets me get into any of many fitness classes--all for $50! Last week I went to the one called "Boot Camp". It was pretty good, and I like how the intimidating name keeps away most non-serious exercisers. It's not as intense as it sounds (definitely not like those weight loss programs where the instructor yells at you demeaningly/motivatingly), but it's good enough to give me a great workout in my flabby, unfit state. There were only 6 people in that class, and I really liked how the instructor pushed us. She covered suicides (to Kesha, oh joy), core workouts on bushi (?) balls, some exercises with weights, step exercises on the bushi balls, and other core stuff without the ball. Major downside was that my arms were seriously messed up for a couple days after. Whenever I forgot about my temporary disability, I would fling open a door as I usually do and immediately feel as if my arm was about to dislocate itself.

On Monday, I tried the "Kickboxing" class. Too many people went, and there were actually two guys in this class. I almost got kicked in the face by some noob who wasn't even kicking properly. Anyway, I'm not sure if it was the class itself or because the standard had been set so high by "Boot Camp", but this one was a breeze. She basically led us through some aerobic exercises with the different punches incorporated into the routine, as well as some kicking. I didn't really feel anything during the class, but just to punch the air made me feel good; I think I have an addiction to punching. Apparently, it also affected my muscles a bit because I felt some stiffness in my arms and legs the next day. Not only was the content and class size inferior to the first class, but so was the instructor. She was some Asian woman who didn't push us that hard. She couldn't even handle the exercises she was supposed to lead, she had difficulty counting sometimes, and she didn't do a lot of the exercises. Instead she would walk around "making sure" that people were doing things correctly, but she was flaming red in the face. I wanted to laugh at her but didn't. My advice: stick to badminton.

MICROBIOLOGY LAB

So I got the first quiz back for the 241 lab, and I didn't do so well even though it tested us on things like how to write a lab report. Like seriously?! I knew all my stuff, but they were looking for extremely specific things for each question. I knew that stupid Appendix on how to write a lab report by heart, but no. The stupid laws of acadaemia screwed me over. Man, I was so mad that I immediately blamed the TA who marked it, but maybe I should just blame myself for being a retard. Of course I didn't voice any of my feelings to the TA herself. Seems it was sufficient to just witch about it to my lab group. I'm such a nice person :)

EMBRYOLOGY PROF

I had a question about whether the material she covered in class about twins was testable or not. It seemed like one of those interesting topics she just threw in there for fun, and I wanted to confirm that it would be on the exams so I can prioritize my studying, since that course is extremely content-heavy...so I emailed her, and she gives me this snarky response asking if it was so terrible to learn about twins in an embryo course, and that I would have to know it depending on my future plans and what mark I wanted to get in the course. Sure, you're a foreign Russian lady very knowledgeable in the natural sciences but you have a serious language barrier to overcome. She didn't understand that I was asking with the intent of prioritizing and focusing my study efforts. Surprise surprise, I'm taking more than just embryo this term, and I DON'T live and breathe schoolwork.

FOOD BANK CLUB

Not sure if I've mentioned this already or not, but I've joined the food bank club this term. It's a confidential service catering to students who are in financial need. You just have to stop by with your student ID and take whatever cans of food you want, within the set limits. It seems like a good cause but as my friendly verily pointed out to me from the start, they need to improve their marketing.

Well, from the very moment I attended the general meeting, I discovered marketing wasn't the only area they had to improve--and far from it! The execs were a joke. They were like 12 year olds standing in front of us, barely able to talk because they were giggling. Furthermore, when they did get into talking, they didn't explain anything about the food limits or how to man the office during our shifts. Luckily, my friend Daniel has been in the club (when it saw the days of half-competent management) and he told me what to do. They also announced they were taking exec applications, and I decided to apply for Attendance Exec just for fun and because I didn't want too much time commitment.

I figured, well, at least they'll just pick execs, and if I happen to get chosen, I will do my best to help the club out. Turns out they can't even pick execs properly. 5 people applied for the Attendance Exec position, 5 Attendance Execs were chosen. When I saw this, I couldn't believe my eyes. How can these two incompetent girls have ever become the execs? This club has a great cause and seems to have some great connections, but sadly its ruin is imminent with these two fools in lead. ALL the responsibilities of the Attendance Exec would have been a minor task even for a single individual. But NO, they want to spread it between FIVE people, creating more work by dispersing database responsibilities between multiple individuals. I was even willing to give the "Attendance team" a try, but when we couldn't even coordinate a mutually open time to meet, I gave up the facade. I sent an email resigning from the position even before the ridiculousness of it started. I know I saved myself and the club a lot of trouble.

"FRIENDS"

It seems almost redundant and unnecessary but I will state it again. Friends are a matter of convenience. We hang out with those who are available at the right place at the right time. Don't expect others to go out of the way for you; you can really only ever fully trust yourself. DESPERATE and YEARNING for friends? --settle for family. Even if they get tired of you or WANT to ditch you, they're forced to spend time with/tolerate you.

EUCHRE CLUB

I'm pretty much sick of euchre and the people in it. Someone made a demeaning comment of how Biomed students get to take so many electives (as opposed to Chem). First, understand that I still feel like I'm in Scibus even though I recently made the switch to Biomed, so that has nothing to do with my opinion on this matter. Second, you really have no right to be talking crap about another program that could ultimately pursue the same end as you. In fact, you're the idiot for not choosing the most strategic route. You could have enrolled in Biomed and taken the SMARTER route with the Chemistry you love and the electives to boost your grade or manage your workload from term-to-term. Then again, if you were in Biomed, you wouldn't be able to convince yourself how special you were to focus on "pure" Chemistry. My bad.

It also makes me laugh in incredulity at how haughty and self-absorbed the execs are. Seriously, you're the exec of a CARD club. Also, I hate losing. I hate losing even more when it feels unjustified. Lady Luck obviously hates my guts...hmm, maybe I should learn to rig decks? After all, I seem to have the dexterity of shuffling down pat. :)

DISLIKE OF GAY GUYS--NOT HOMOPHOBIA

Something random: I don't like gay guys. Why am I being so discriminatory and close-minded, you may ask. Actually, the thing is, I don't mind homosexuality at all. Although I am both conservative and Christian, I don't have a problem with same-sex relationships (my unconventional Christian beliefs are a story for another time).

Not sure if I've said it before, but if I was a guy, I would probably like guys too. So what's my beef with gay guys? Simple, they're just like girly girls, and I hate (girly) girls. Self-absorbed, superficial, and full of whatever other derogatory s-words you can think of. Yes, you know the one I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with ALL girls or even girls showing their estrogenal roots from time to time, but there's only so much GIRL I can tolerate. My only favourite female heroines on TV are Piper Halliwell and Lois Lane for good reason. They are smart, level-headed, and sexy all at once. Girly girls and gays? Not so much. Like, 10 thumbs down and, like, a spit on their, like, skanky skirts and, like, uggs.

But yeah, long story short: now is not a good time to poke me with your joking jibes or teasing insults...I just might end up killing you.

P.S. I know my writing is usually sarcastic and ridiculously exaggerated but I'm not so sure this one is...

Amish-ed A Few Things

First, I'd like to apologize for the bad puns. I just thought I should be consistent with the lame title for my previous "Amish" post. Hopefully this is the last of my posts on this subject, so you will not have to endure further excruciation...
If you've been following along with my blog for a while, you might recall that I once posted a list of reasons that make me Amish. Basically, I'm not with the times and have odd similarities with the Amish stereotype. Even though I called them my "Top 10", they were really only the ten things that I could remember while writing that post, so I've decided to continue the list here...

1. Never traveled on a boat, plane, or train completely by myself.

2. Never seen the Grammy's or Academy Awards or Oscars.

3. Not sure what the distinctions are between the items mentioned in #2.

4. I have trouble talking to people older than me, regardless of how chill or cool they are...family members are no exception, sadly.

5. Have never ordered anything online, other than course registrations (even that was with the express permission/command of my parents).

6. I am STILL afraid of looking at, nearing, and (God forbid) entering lingerie stores.

7. Although the purpose of comedy shows is to relax and have a good laugh, I find them stressful because if the jokes aren't funny, watching becomes pointless, and thus I feel forced to laugh.

8. I feel nauseated just before I have to write a test or do something nervewracking (e.g. performing something for others).

9. Bought my first real posters a couple months ago at my school's poster fair.

10. I don't have a camera of my own, and thus I do not have any awesome pictures/polaroids of me and my friends plastered all over my wall. (Instead I have reflective stick-on butterflies from Dollarama :( )

The Magic of Music

Although the music is quite pop-ish and the musical performance that I saw from years ago was a little disappointing, I just remembered what I like most about Wicked. Other than the magic-oriented setting, I love the lyrics and agree with the life philosophies it presents. Hopefully this makes it clear why Dancing through Life and For Good are my favourite songs:

From Dancing through Life:
Life is fraughtless
When you're thoughtless
Those who don't try
Never look foolish

Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing through life

Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters

From For Good:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

The Jolly Reaper

Just to restate the obvious, I'm a terrible person, but, in truth, we all are. I have ridiculous, unconventional opinions that most people disagree with or despise. I also don't feel bad enough to hide these thoughts from the public, so don't spazz/preach at me if you're wasting your life reading this and it seriously offends you. It's a friggen blog, not the newspaper. If I wrote whatever was politically correct and common of any rationally published book, what would make it uniquely "Christie"? Nothing. Why would you even be interested in reading a "retelling" of what you already know and believe? You wouldn't.

Like the title in the classic Chicken Soup for the Soul series, here it is, the subject of my post:

DEATH AND DYING

From the movies (and/or wherever else you hear generalizations about the public), I've heard that most people are afraid of dying. Given all the other ridiculous things I'm afraid of, I'm surprisingly not afraid of death. ...And before you give me too much credit, admiration, or disbelief, I'll have to come clean and admit that I AM afraid of pain. I suppose this makes me a gutless coward, oh well. Moral: If I'm in tremendous pain, please pull the plug on me.

I've actually thought quite often about dying--how it happens, what it would be like, how people on earth would react, and if I could still watch over (or haunt!) them from heaven (hopefully). To be honest, it would, ironically, MAKE MY LIFE EASIER. Why, you may ask.

Well, knowing my lack of direction in life and lack of passionate interest in anything, what IS there to live for? Pretty much the only thing I am truly interested in experiencing is true love and raising children. I don't even mean necessarily settling down and living the quiet home life. As long as I achieve those two things, I would be content to move from place to place, travel the world, or, in the most extreme case, live off the streets. All that other stuff seems unimportant in the complex recipe for "Christie's Happiness". However, since achieving those two things (without finding a job and societal niche that I would enjoy) seems pretty unrealistic, I wouldn't mind dying at all. My buddy, the reaper, would, in fact, be doing me a huge favour.

On another note, I've been asked a couple times recently (in some form or another), "What is your preferred method of dying?" To that, I always answer, "Easy. Death by salt." I truly believe I am a sincere food lover (and not one of those loserish teenagers posting on their fb profile interests: EATING AND SLEEPING, but that's a post for another day), and one of my favourite flavourings is salt. It's pretty much the magic ingredient for making food taste good. When I inquired about how to make fried rice, someone answered that all you need is salt. Of course, that may be a more extreme, unrealistic example, but I felt it was symbolic of salt's magical properties. In fact, salt has broken the alluring spell of candy/sugars on my tastebuds. When given an option between chips and candy, salt wins me over to the former almost immediately. Apparently you can die from consuming about 1kg of it. When the time comes, I will find a way to make this possible--and enjoy every last grain. :)

Lonely I'm so Lonely I have Nobody All on my Own

So I'm into my second week of work at my new co-op placement. The direction and intentions of the research seem pretty interesting, and I'm eager to get into the meat of the work, but my job has started pretty slow with my supervisor so busy and me not being fully oriented in my responsibilities. So things are slow all around. Literally.

With a population of around 3000, Harrow's a pretty quiet place with not much to do and hardly any big franchises (i.e. mostly local businesses)--well, other than the standard things like banks and liquor stores. Anyway, I've attempted to use this term as a sort of...cleansing. This includes mentally, academically, nutritionally, and, much to your relief I'm sure, physically.

So far, I have been, for the most part, successful in maintaining a regular routine consisting of:
-run
-shower
-eat
-study
-chat
-reflect
-sleep

Until yesterday, I've been living in a house entirely on my own. It's awesome! I had 5 bedrooms, 2 washrooms, 2 kitchens, 1 living room, free laundry, unlimited internet, and cable TV all for $375/month. It's truly amazing--actually more enjoyable than my own permanent house in some ways. Unfortunately, someone else moved in yesterday. He's actually a 3rd year chemical engineer from Waterloo, same year as me. Anyway...although it's not really the same as when I could walk to the shower already half naked, it's still pretty awesome because his room is on a different floor, I never see him use the kitchen, and he has learned that we can each have our own washroom. :) He also seems kind of shy, so it seems like I'll still feel like I'm alone in the house since he doesn't seem interested in talking or hanging out.

You are probably thinking, "Wow, you must be lonely. All by yourself in hick town!" Or for my more narcissistic friends, "You miss me now, don't you? Being in complete isolation, now you'll be able to appreciate me more when you come back." My answer, "Sure, but it's not too bad." My real answer?

Not at all.

Maybe I'm socially retarded, but I prefer being alone. It's such a pain to meet people for the first time, make awkward conversation, and "get to know them". On the other hand, too much of people and my life can can become drama-ridden, tiresome, and I, of course, start to see faults in that person that may or may not be there.

So why do I give that untruthful answer? Well, it's what people expect. If I were to give my real answer, people would just think I'm being defiant or ridiculously unreasonable. Then I have to give an explanation. It just seems easier to go with the socially acceptable answer. People are SUPPOSED to enjoy the company of others and require human interaction at some point. Me? I feel like I could do with a lot less, from what I've seen so far...

Mixed Feelings

So lately, I've had a string of ups and downs, as I suppose is typical of the great mystery we call life.

1. I actually got a co-op job! I'll be working as a Research Assistant in Harrow for a governmental organization. Should be interesting because we're doing work with bees to implant a non-chemical pest control agent into plants via the natural pollination process. I have already settled my housing and am currently going through the tedious preparatory paperwork. I plan to catch up on all the TV shows that I am in the middle of (i.e. Dexter, One Tree Hill, True Blood, etc.) and go for a run every day to lose some of the unhealthy fat I've built up over the past year. It feels great to not have to worry about job searching anymore. Thank you, Dr. Shipp, for hiring me, despite the sinking feeling that I already know you have made a fatal mistake--and thank you, God, for making this miracle possible.

2. As are many of my peers stuck in school this summer, I am stuck in the middle of midterm season. =( Unfortunately, a lot of my friends have already finished or are nearing the end of their exams, while I still have a ways to go. I have written 2 Psychs, 2 Econs, 1 Math, 1 English Essay, and 1 Physics. As far as I know I still have at least 1 Math and 1 Psych left to write. Despite having written over 75% of my exams, I still haven't found the discipline to sit myself down and do some serious studying. I'm not sure whether it is the slack schedule in my past co-op term or the lovely summer season that has totally decimated whatever study habits were sustaining my academic life before, but it's sure taking its toll this term. I haven't been pulling good grades to my maximum potential in any subject. Even after a near failure on my Math test, I was only fazed for a few days, and the effect has kind of numbed by this point...and I don't know what to do?

3. I've gotten back into cooking--without the food poisoning, believe it or not. Mind you, my cooking is not in any sense of enjoyable gourmet cuisine calibre, but rather a survival instinct. Luckily, I've managed to shy away from the monotonous stir fry chicken dish that sustained me from September 2009-February 2010. Miraculous how that disgusting piece of crap even sustained me for that long, I know. With a bit of guidance from my cooking-keen housemate Sandra, I've managed to pull off an edible version of spaghetti. Also, in a desperate attempt to make do with the few ingredients I have, I marinated some thinly sliced pork loins with soya sauce and lemon sauce. It was unsettlingly...yummy--but can I even use that word for my cooking in ANY context? O_o

OHH Food relationship update: I've gotten into adding lemon juice and parsley into ALL my dishes. You can never go wrong with parsley <3

4. As usual, I'm still quite lost as to the direction my future will take. It makes me depressed to hear about my peers getting into professional schools already, while I'm still struggling to fit the pre-requisites into my ridiculous co-op-invaded schedule--not to mention striving to achieve a decent grade in each course. Something funny--but not really--that was brought up in psych class that I'd like to share...ironically, it's from the chapter on Motivation. Hah! Anyway, as soon as I saw the slide listing, I immediately identified myself as having identity diffusion, somewhat pridefully too!

-identity diffusion: inability to commit, no sense of direction, no choices
-identity achievement: successful identity realization
-identity foreclosure: pressured into making an early decision
-identity moratorium: struggling between choices; supposedly where most uni students are

Unfortunately, I was disappointed when my professor went through the list explaining each, and for identity diffusion, all she said was something along the lines of, "These individuals have social and academic problems. They're just in general confused."

With my new-found academic slump and all my friends starting to actually apply for and get into professional schools, I'm developing a fear of being left behind...

5. In a lame attempt to be what we foolishly value--optimistic--I recognize that with my decreased effort into my studies, there is a slight tradeoff in terms of the current enjoyment I am getting out of life.
For one, I've been going to euchre club on a regular basis this term, and I love it, as always--although not solely for the same reasons I'm used to. I've actually started to make a few friends at this club, and I've started talking to one particular loser this term. Good times...and I accomplished all this without improving my social skills in the slightest. Ah, the wonders of facebook and MSN! =)
Second, I've also been spending more time with my friends and indulging in that oh so lovely ethanol. In fact, I've developed a new friend in Smirnoff Ice and its delicate cousin Twisted Green Apple, especially in settings such as King, Tub thumper, and other *cough...games. =)

I guess it wouldn't hurt to end off on a happy note:
I just had a conversation with my brother earlier tonight, and it was probably one of the most civilized conversations I have ever had with him for at least 6 years (before he became an immature dick). I was actually very proud to hear that he was interested in striving for decent programs at specific universities in order to pursue a career in music. Sadly, that is more than I can say about the circumstances under which I chose to enter my own program.

Anyways, I truly believe he has a talent in violin, and it's about time he appreciated this enough to want to do something about it. It seems the late-blooming maturity too characteristic of the male species has finally begun to poke its head out from his overgrown mop of hair.

I'm proud of my brother Robert, and I believe in him now that he has finally decided to believe in himself. =)

Please offer your interpretation:

"Whom the gods hate they keep forever young."

The Importance of Being Modest

One of the most important traits I look for in a friend and relationship partner is modesty.

Similar to my views on "nice" people, I don't think anyone is truly modest, but those who made a sincere effort at being modest should be commended. It might just be me, but I find that I am more impressed by modesty than the amazing accomplishments that people tend to share around. Of course, there are varying levels of modesty and cockiness:

Level 1: The most obvious, extreme form of cockiness. The individual is so cocky that they feel they have the expertise to judge others in their field--whether it be "the smartest people", "the prettiest people", "the funniest people", "the best kissers", "the coolest people", etc. The worst part about level 1 is that the individual is openly aware of their own abilities and loses no opportunity to acknowledge it. Furthermore, they tend to exude an extremely superficial level of modesty to your face but behind your back, their judgement puts my critical rantings to shame. I wouldn't call these individuals insecure, but rather they are so blinded by their narcissism that they tend to be ignorant of how others might respond to their behaviour.

Level 2: At first these individuals may seem to be pretty modest. "Nono, I'm not that good at this...", but as soon as you start commending other individuals in an area they pride themselves in, they tend to defend themselves indirectly by putting down that individual. Furthermore, if they didn't do as well as they normally do in something, they will immediately defend their position with excuses and justifications as to why their best results did not show. I would say this level is where we start to see individuals with self-confidence and insecurity issues.

Level 3: "Asian" modesty. This is a less severe form of cockiness, but it can still be annoying as hell.

"Oh my gosh, I failed!"
"Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you get?"
"85."
"..."

Typically, individuals in this level are not so much insecure about their abilities, but insecure about how others view them. They need reassurance that their satisfaction with their current position also receives approval from a representative of the general public or any "outsider".

Note: Depending on which mark you get, there are arguably subcategories within this level of cockiness. If you consider failure to be a 95, that can get realllllllly annoying and can even be considered to be around level 1/2.

Level 4: This level of modesty is where I am striving to be at. This individual responds to commentary, criticism, and compliments depending on the individual that is dishing it out--not how they need to make themselves feel. If an individual is offering you a sincere compliment, by all means accept it gently and move on immediately. If an individual is offering you a superficial compliment that they are using to suck up to or network with you, I strongly encourage you to reject it. Please refer to one of the following templates:

"Nonono, this person is actually the expert you should be talking to..."
"[insert other viable reason why you will not accept their ridiculous compliment]"

Basically, don't give them the satisfaction of a networking job well done; that is one ego I would never dream of feeding.

Anyways, something I always tell myself is...
By remembering all the amazing people you hear about at the top of your grade, through the media, or from history, it keeps everything in perspective and our egos in check. Realistically, there is always someone better than you at something, so you can never settle with a few compliments. If your ego is really that disparate, by all means, use compliments and positivity to recover just enough so that you can find the motivation and will to continue working hard.

Lastly, If someone is truly good at something or has accomplished something that OUGHT to be recognized, it is likely most people are already aware of their talent or have already recognized them for the accomplishment. Why do you need to spread around the "good news" a second, third, or possibly fourth time?

Fifth Business - by Robertson Davies

As mentioned before, this is the title of one of the novels I'm reading for my ENGL 108M course this term. The literal and figurative meaning of the life moral "Never judge a book by its cover" has been hammered into my head, God knows how many times, and yet I instinctively judge books by the exterior packaging even today. When I first purchased this book from the book store, I was reluctant to start it, but I knew I had to get it over with sometime or later...and now? Well, things have surprisingly turned out for the better!

For those who have known me well before university and maybe even high school, I haven't always been the cynical/critical person I am today. I don't really know what happened along the way. I don't really know if this is a positive or negative change. I have just accepted that it's happened. I suppose it's been a combination of the people I've known, my life experiences, and my natural disposition to judge and analyze from the sidelines before taking the initiative to devise a plan of ACTION to induce desired CHANGE. Basically, a combination of the good old nature/nurture principle.

The Christie's Notes version of the book:
Dunstan Ramsay is unable to escape the guilt of a critical incident in his childhood, thereby affecting his outlook on his peers, ambitions, family, love, and life.

Anyways, the reason why this book really touched me was that I was able to identify really strongly with the main character who narrated the entire book from his perspective. In an attempt to illustrate my point, I've pulled a few passages from the book:

Liesl Vitzliputzli to Dunstan, "I beg your pardon. That is your privilege, you pseudo-cynical old pussy-cat, watching life from the sidelines and knowing where all the players go wrong. Life is a spectator sport to you. Now you have taken a tumble and found yourself in the middle of the fight, and you are whimpering because it is rough."

Again Liesl to Dunstan, "Why don't you shake hands with your devil, Ramsay, and change this foolish life of yours? Why don't you, just for once, do something inexplicable, irrational, at the devil's bidding, and just for the hell of it? You would be a different man...

Listen Ramsay, for the past three weeks you have been telling me the story of your life, with great emotional detail, and certainly it sounds as if you did not think you were human. You make yourself responsible for other people's troubles. It is your hobby...And you are secret and stiff-rumped about it all, and never admit it is damned good of you. That is not very human. You are a decent chap to everybody, except one special somebody, and that is Dunstan Ramsay. How can you be really good to anybody if you are not good to yourself?...

Even Calvinism can be endured, if you will make some compromise with yourself. But you--there is a whole great piece of your life that is unlived, denied, set aside. That is why at fifty you can't bear it any longer and fly all to pieces and pour out your heart to the first really intelligent woman you have met--met, that's to say--and get into a schoolboy yearning for a girl who is as far from you as if she lived on the moon. This is the revenge of the unlived life, Ramsay. Suddenly, it makes a fool of you."

Padre Blazon to Ramsay, "God is subtle, but he is not cruel...Try to understand the subtlety, and stop whimpering about the cruelty. Maybe God wants you for something special. Maybe so much that you are worth a woman's sanity.

Forgive yourself for being a human creature, Ramezay. That is the beginning of wisdom; that is part of what is meant by the fear of God; and for you it is the only way to save your sanity. Begin now or you will end up with your saint in the madhouse."

Dunstan himself, "...they all seemed to accept me as a genuine hero, and I did my best to behave decently, neither believing in it too obviously, not yet protesting that I was just a simple chap who had done his duty when he saw it--a pose that has always disgusted me. Ever since, I have tried to think charitably of people in prominent positions of one kind or another; we cast them in roles, and it is only right consider them as players, without trying to discredit them with knowledge of their off-stage life--unless they drag it into the middle of the stage themselves."

Since the course is Youth and Adolescence, the novel obviously relates to at least one of the two concepts. Our teacher also revealed the relation well before we delved into its pages: how incidences in childhood can affect one's growth and outlook all throughout the rest of one's life. Something I particularly enjoyed about the book was Dunstan's character. He seemed to be a really critical, grumpy, and realistic character. I like that in a narrator--none of that romantic, hopeful gibberish that female narrators are too often characterized by.

So why is this novel titled Fifth Business? It has nothing to do with business really. Again, I can't put it anymore eloquently than Davies has brilliantly done already,

"Who are you? Where do you fit into poetry and myth? Do you know who I think you are, Ramsay? I think you are Fifth Business. You don't know what that is?

Well, in opera in a permanent company of the kind we keep up in Europe you must have a prima donna--always a soprano, always the heroine, often a fool; and a tenor who always plays the lover to her; and then you must have a contralto, who is a rival to the soprano, or a sorceress or something; and a basso, who is the villain or the rival or whatever threatens the tenor.

So far, so good. But you cannot make a plot work without another man, and he is usually a baritone, and he is called in the profession Fifth Business, because he is the odd man out, the person who has no opposite of the other sex. And you must have Fifth Business because he is the one who knows the secret of the hero's birth, or comes to the assistance of the heroine when she thinks all is lost, or keeps the hermitess in her cell, or may even be the cause of somebody's death if that is part of the plot.

The prima donna and the tenor, the contralto and the basso, get all the best music and do all the spectacular things, but you cannot manage the plot without Fifth Business! It is not spectacular, but it is a good line of work, I can tell you, and those who play it sometimes have a career that outlasts the golden voices.

Are you Fifth Business? You had better find out."

LOVE THIS BOOK.

Play...nice?

"OMG she's like the nicest person on earth!" "He's a really nice guy..." "She's so nice she couldn't hurt a fly,"--these are a few of my least favourite things. A personal pet peeve of mine is when people mistake meekness and a lack of assertiveness for "niceness". Cmon, here, lets not give credit where it is not due.

What does it mean to be nice? To be honest, I can only speculate since I, myself, am not a nice person. Being polite is one thing, but what does it REALLY mean?

Speculation: No one is truly "nice". Humans will always seek to satiate the innate goal of self-preservation. Depending on what kind of personality traits you are given, people express themselves differently and seek self-satisfaction through different means. Nice people take pleasure in making others happy, and by pursuing this goal they achieve a sense of pride and satisfaction. As for the unfortunate rest, why force yourself to be something you're not? Forced niceties give off a worse impression than if you were to just be yourself.

In elementary school, I actually tried to be nice to everyone around grade 5. This didn't turn out so well. I ended up betraying friends, becoming the teacher's pet, and I was disloyal to my puppy-love "boyfriend" at the time--all because I wanted to be nice and loved by all. At least after these experiences, I learned that being nice wasn't everything. You have to be practical about what you want, realistic of how your actions will affect others, and weigh the alternatives to come up with the best plan of action.

STORY TIME:

From a very young age, I should have realized that I never was (going to be) a nice person. In nursery school, my friend wanted to come down the slide just after I had gone down, As some twisted sarcastic joke, I was blocking the way at the bottom with an angry face and an obviously empty threat, "You can't come down!"

Btw, don't ask how I remember this story; it's strange how this is my only memory of nursery school, and it's all so clear to me--even my exact feelings at the time!

For some reason, it never occurred to her that she could go down the slide anyway, and I would obviously jump out of the way to avoid getting hit. Instead she just started whining and crying. In my mind, I intended to let her go down the slide if she stopped complaining, sucked up her tears, and realized I was being sarcastic. My frustration further led me to tell her "You can't come down! You'll never see your Mommy again!" Honestly, if she just quit her whining, I would have moved right out of the way and we would have gone on playing like the best friends we were (yes, I did this to my best friend--yes, I know I'm a horrible kid). Unfortunately, the teacher cut my little scheme to a short close, and I must have gotten some kind of time-out, as was the fashionable consequence of the time.

This memory of mine is rather interesting, but I can definitely see that I haven't changed much since then. I often still make really mean jokes about other people, pretty much insulting them with only a minor twinge of sarcasm. I just can't help it; that's just the twisted, sick person I am. Sorry to all my past, present, and future victims!

Anyways, consider this...

Like the serial killer can't help but take pleasure from taking other lives, the "nice person" can't help but take pleasure in doing things for others. Is it really fair to only condemn "mean people" (just like the serial killer) simply because the "nice" people were lucky enough to be born with natural tendencies that happen to fall into socially accepted standards? I think nice is an overrated trend--instead, I think we should be striving to exhibit other more veritable traits such as sincerity, tact, consideration, etc.

Just a thought.

P.S. Short posts are SOOOO in.

Always Afraid to Make Amish-take

Short and sweet--Top 10 Reasons Why I Accept My Title as Being "Amish"
Note: Some of these points are not necessarily AMISH, but still advocate my role as an inexperienced, naive, and useless human being.

1. I don't watch TV; I don't understand how people can do other things while a TV is on...I get so mesmerized by the moving figures on the screen...

2. The most extreme sport I've ever participated in was water skiing...and I sucked.

3. I've never used an ATM machine until a few weeks ago. My friend had to guide me through it, and the guy behind me was laughing at me.

4. I used my debit card for the first time today--prior to that, I have always paid in cash.

5. I only speak one language.

6. I can be easily entertained by a simple ipod game like solitaire for hours at end.

7. I don't know how to cook; recently food poisoned myself.

8. I am an inexperienced buyer, not knowing the going rate for most things.

9. I would rather ride a horse for the rest of my life than own a car.

10. I'd rather sit by myself and read a book than have to venture out into the real world and meet people.

Boys Go to Jupiter to Get More Stupider

If you knew what I was about to write about, you would understand the irony of me being in the DC library and writing on my blog instead of tackling my horrendous workload. Ah well, in a mindless, endless, fruitless effort to keep my posts short, lets get to the point.

This weekend I went home again--HOLY CRAP, the world must really be ending in 2012--and had a relaxing weekend with my parents. Oddly enough, the euchre addiction gene seems to run in my family, as Yahoo Euchre was kind enough to babysit Robert for the duration of a peaceful weekend. I had a chance to enjoy lots of nice meals, conversations with my parents, and of course...MOVIES! What did you think we were going to watch--TV? So my parents buy tons of pirated movies from the local Chinese malls, and whenever I come home, I am obligated to get through that pile. So I started with a random one called An Education.

Synopsis pulled from the Internet: Jenny (Carey Mulligan) a very bright girl on the cusp of her 17th birthday, finds herself in a whirlwind romance with the much older David ( Peter Sarsgaard). Prior to meeting him, Jenny was working hard at secondary school to ensure getting to Oxford University. When she sees the lifestyle David can provide, one she never imagined could be hers, she's hooked and thoughts of Oxford are forgotten. Then, when things are looking pretty good for Jenny with the dashing (yet a little too smooth) David, the truth hits her like a ton of bricks. Jenny goes from being a bright eyed school girl and a sophisticated young lady, all the way back to questioning if she really knows who she is at all. 'An Education' won the Audience Choice award and the Cinematography award at the 2009 Sundance Film Festival.

Out of all the random new movies I could have chosen to watch, I was strangely drawn to this one. Can you see why? If the most you know about me is what you read from my blogs, I'm not sure if I have ever emphasized my wide-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights outlook on life. I basically have no idea what I am meant to do or if there is a place for me in life--particularly when it comes to a career. Especially at this point in my life when I have recently turned the blessed age of 19, I am more confused than ever. A HUGE part of me wants to ditch all my schoolwork, stock up on party clothes, and live the life I have stuffed under my bed for so long. Yet size is not always strength, I suppose; my tinier, vaguely obedient self longs to make anything that was ever invested in me worth something someday--especially for my parents' sake. Like Jenny, I reallllllllllllllly want to get out there and have fun, for once, but something keeps me shackled to the prospect of, what I guess you could call, a slower suicide. Sometimes I wonder if this makes me a weaker person--and not necessarily obedient. We all want to have fun. I just want to take the safer route, stay far inside the edge, and find some shallow comfort in the idea of "long term prosperity". Especially since Jenny actually had a goal and I don't, I feel I have even more reason to let loose and party...but I know realistically, if I let myself step any further into that kind of freedom and actual LIFE, I might never come back.

I'm gonna stop the post here because I feel so guilty for postponing my work again despite in-your-face looming deadlines--and the shackle is dragged along another few steps before stopping at the end of the slack.