Mid-Dental School Life Crisis

Not sure what happened over the break, but I feel less stressed and uptight about school since I came back after Christmas. I know school is still picking back up, but I feel like I'm also in a better mood and my hobbies are changing. Gone are the days where I got my daily guilty fix from online (usually MOBA) gaming and non-stop board gaming. Instead, I've been sleeping earlier, getting back into reading (non-academic literature FINALLY), watching a few strongly recommended TV shows and movies, and listening to Classical music. 

For those interested, a bit more detail on each of the changes I mentioned:
1. Sleeping earlier around 10:30 pm - 1 am (vs. my previous 2-4 am bedtime).
2. Reading up on classics I only ever heard about but never read. Currently working on Dickens' Tale of Two Cities. Reading this classic piece of literature serves as a sad reminder of how long it's been since I've read a decent book. Some of the language is hard to wrap my head around, so I have to give certain passages a few tries before it sinks in. I feel like my reading maturity/skills stopped around grade 12 (i.e. like most people, around the time high school English ended and university started); this is something I'd like to work on. This change is particularly refreshing because I feel like I'm getting back in touch with everything I love about language, words, and fresh storytelling. Also trying to get back into the habit of noting new/unfamiliar words that I come across to expand my own vocabulary (the growth of which probably also halted around grade 12).
3. I've found a few TV/movie buddies (one in particular!) that have very similar tastes. As a result, I've been exposed to goodies like There will be Blood, Cube, and Fargo (TV show). I also finally watched Sin City 2. I don't care what the ratings say; I loved it.
4. Classical music listening...this probably started when I visited my friend's website promoting his music school. Every time I hear him play a serious Classical piece, (it sounds crazy and totally cheesy, I know) I fall into a trance-like state. This experience reminds me of the days when I used to support my brother at his violin competitions and he pulled off an amazing performance that made me proud to be seen with him (for once, jk). I think I might be approaching that age that I was forewarned about all my life...where I regret not putting more effort into practicing piano. Everyone (especially my mom) taunted me with this forecast, and I'll never admit it to their faces, but I think it is finally coming true...now...? For those who don't know, fun fact: my favourite Classical composers are Beethoven, Chopin, Debussy, Rachmaninov (roughly in that order). Yeah, surprise (or not) I'm essentially a Romantic girl.

I can't even attribute these positive changes to the new year because I didn't make new year's resolutions, and I barely remember to write "2015" or "xx/xx/15" at the top of my notes. It all just feels very new and strange...is something wrong with me? Am I having some sort of personal crisis with oddly beneficial side effects? Maybe after school gets back into full swing, I'll just lapse back into the game-addicted, sleep-deprived slob I was/know/am comfortable with...I'll report back with whatever happens.

Yeah, this was a post of me complaining about how happy (?) I am...

Tis the Exam Season

I've never been much for the coffee shop culture, but with my recent difficulty studying at home I've been going to Starbucks and occasionally Williams to get some studying done. It's not me at my most productive but, considering my waning study habits, "productive" is a relative term now. I'm still struggling with school and trying my best to stay focused and motivated, and I suppose this behaviour is a step in the right direction. If you haven't heard me complain endlessly about the insane December schedule I had last year, here is this year's schedule to give you some idea of my pain (as well as an idea of the kind of courses I'm taking):
Dec 1 - Endodontics
3 - Diagnosis and Treatment Planning
4 - Fixed Prosthodontics
5 - Operative
9 - Practice Administration
10 - Periodontics
12 - Oral Diseases
15 - Anaesthesia
17 - Growth and Development

Random thoughts regarding the quotation "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I love lemons--in candy, in food, and occasionally by itself for a fun wake-me-upper haha. That said, this quote doesn't really hit home for me, but I'd much rather revise it to be: When life gives you coriander, spit it out. I warned you--random.

So, embarrassing story...

If I haven't already told you about it, my school is having a lot of administrative problems that are making this difficult school year unnecessarily more difficult. I'd rather not go into the details because it's a complex problem that doesn't really make sense unless you're familiar with the typical goings-on of a dentistry program. Also, I've exhausted the topic by ranting it about it already to a select few unfortunate individuals. Anyway, the bottom line of all these issues is that I haven't been doing well on the assessments so far. I'm not talking about the "oh no I didn't get a 90" standard--I actually haven't been achieving the passing grade of 60 on almost every single practical/quiz/project that we've had so far this year. This frustrating situation has come about from a combination of: administrative problems with my school, lack of motivation/dedication, fatigue from a strenuous school schedule, and MOST IMPORTANTLY insufficient practice time to develop my skills and figure out hands-on things by getting my hands on things (you'd think this would be a given but it isn't). 

Anyway, this situation has been going on since the beginning of the school year. Today my mental/emotional state kind of decided it had reached its limit, and I broke down. Yes, that was my embarrassing moment of the day. After an unproductive drilling practice session (mind you, after a 12 hour school day spanning 8am-8pm), I guess I reached the last straw. As I waited for my roommate in the locker room, I reflected on how things were going (biiiig mistake), and I could kind of feel tears coming up so I left the locker room to sit somewhere more isolated. Unfortunately, this "isolated" area ended up being a popular exit for many of my classmates, and that's where the tears actually started to come out. I awkwardly tried to hide my face and play with the only thing I had on me (a hairclip), but some people saw me. I tried to brush it off because I didn't want to talk about it, and I got out of there as soon as I could. It was super embarrassing because I don't really like friends or acquaintances to see me cry. The worst part was that I felt silly crying over a situation that every single one of my other classmates were also dealing with, but I just couldn't stop.

When I eventually got home, I was still super embarrassed and took a little while to calm down. My roommate was super nice and gave me cut fruits, offered to cook food for me, and basically said she was there to talk whenever I needed it. I feel very thankful that I have her, but I also feel ridiculous about the whole situation. I know it's normal to cry once in a while, but I'd rather it didn't happen in front of so many of my classmates. Estrogen op.

Cooking at Varied Speeds

For those who know me pretty well, you know that I'm not much of a cook. While I love living away from home for school, one thing I really hate about it is having to fend for my own "consumables". Like any student, I go into each year with nauseatingly optimistic expectations/plans about my diet for the school year. And every time I have attempted to improve my cooking skills, save money, eat healthier, etc., I have failed...until now! :) 

This year I am living with one of my classmates, and it's working out pretty well! We are quite compatible in our living and study habits. Having a roommate that I can really connect and interact well with has motivated me to care more about the cleanliness of the apartment and take more initiative with my cooking. It helps that she is a good cook who is often willing to offer me tips. She also shares her meals with me from time to time, and this compels me to make some food of my own and share it with her in return (at her own risk of course). So far some of the dishes that I have been successful with include: 

1. My classic foolproof dish...Pasta
2. Mapo tofu - the chinese flavour packets are amazing for this.
3. Korean curry - I figured this out last year when I was living on my own, and I manage to get it right from time to time.
4. Asian style noodle stir fry - inspired by one of my classmates who recommended a Chinese hot chili bean sauce. The Chinese are honestly lifesavers with their delicious sauces. Just make sure you check the label for MSG-free products.
5. Korean pork belly with side dishes (aka Samgyup sal) - also a relatively recent discovery from last year. Easy to do and makes me feel healthy when I wrap it in lettuce with a korean hot pepper paste. Unfortunately this go-to recipe will probably go into hibernation for a while because I'm getting sick of it.
6. Kimchi fried rice - another one of my classic go-to's. It's pretty hard to go wrong with this dish, but I can't make this recipe too often because I rarely go back home during the school year, which is where I usually get my kimchi. 
7. Sausage stir fry - spur of the moment dish where I added tomato sauce and peppers. I consider this dish to be an especially significant accomplishment because it's the first time I've successfully made (or even attempted) a sausage dish since I food poisoned myself with uncooked sausages. I guess I was a bit traumatized...

8. And my latest experiment is also inspired by one of my classmates. One time I was at her place when I smelled something amazing cooking in the kitchen. That was my first encounter with the wonderful invention called the slow cooker. If I wasn't sold at the smell, I was definitely convinced I had to have one when she proceeded to explain that slow cookers were ridiculously simple to use: just throw things into it. 

So...lengthy prelude out of the way, here I am waiting to see how my slow cooker recipe turns out. This weekend I prepped a random slow cooker recipe that I found on the internet. It's super basic (and I mean that word in the least trendy way possible). Just-literally-THREW IN carrots, potatoes, onions, garlic, and pork ribs with some wine, rosemary, and italian dressing to the slow cooker. I had to prep this in advance for tomorrow's meal because this is a super busy school week for me (a complaint for another time). I'm excited to try it tomorrow because it already smelled delicious while it was cooking. 

Anyway, after my few (yet notable!) cooking successes this year, I feel I've already improved a lot from where I was before. Hopefully I can keep it up and continue to expand my boundaries. Before I know it I'll be able to actually look forward to making and eating my own food--a vital life skill that I've always wanted to acquire but without prior success. 

--Then again, it's still quite early in the year; it's not too late for my old patterns to resurface. What's a Christie post without a little realism?

Blurry and Out of Focus

This post is meant to elaborate on one of the major things that has been bothering me about school lately: my poor work habits and inability to motivate myself to learn. Having finally achieved my goal of making it into this program and being basically set for my career path, I think I've lost the motivation to push myself academically. No matter how close I feel to the edge--whether it's the day before a final exam or I'm on the verge of failing a course--I feel the subconscious tingling of guilt and stress but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. In undergrad, I've had my moments of laziness and procrastination for sure but never to this extent. I'd always pull through for myself within the last few days, and everything would work out. Somehow things are different now.

Maybe I'm truly burnt out from school now...? Or maybe I've finally met my academic limit and I am not capable of handling this kind of workload? Who knows. Whatever it is, I try to keep myself sane by focusing on the bigger picture. I want to become a dentist and to do that, I need to become a competent clinician through plenty of learning, practice, and patience. I honestly don't know what else to do but to keep on it. 

Sometimes I even get angry at myself for being so lazy and unmotivated because I know that spots in this program are very competitive, and I can't help but wonder if I'm taking the place of someone more deserving. 

On the same note of stress and despair, I feel pretty discouraged about my skills as a prospective dentist. I'm not doing very well with the few drilling or filling exercises that we've covered so far. Before I entered the program, my uncle (who is currently a dentist) warned me that developing clinical skills and dexterity will be very discouraging at times and not to give up. I always try to keep this in mind when I'm having these doubts, but in the end they're just words to me. I can't help what I feel. People say "Oh, we're all going through the same thing because we're all new to these skills. Don't worry!". But again, they feel like empty words. I see the work that people are doing, and no one else seems to be struggling as I am; thus, the excuse of me being new to these skills doesn't seem valid to me. Again, I don't know what else to do but to keep trucking through it and hope that one day my hands have an epiphany. 

I think I've summarized my negative feelings on this subject adequately. 
The countdown has already begun: 3 years and 2 months left.

It's been a while crocodile

Hello there! Feeling boring of my games and not having much going on with school right now, I decided to return to my blog. After all, you know me, I can never complain enough. Enough with the inverted sentences though...

So where am I in my life right now? Literally, I am in a single apartment 5-minutes walk from class. Where is my class? Class is at the Medical Sciences building at Western University. I am now open to stalk, but trust me I'm not even worth stalking. Life-wise/less literally, I am almost done my first year of my doctor of dental surgery degree. In a lighter shade of English, that means I'm almost 1/4th dentist! :) Yes, I have finally picked a definite direction for my life, and I have to say it's pretty exciting. I love being able to quantify how much more schooling I have and count down the days until I enter the real world! I'm so ready to finish school, get my own place, buy car insurance, have 100 percent control over what goes into and out of my bank account, and have the right to allow whoever I want into my own place whenever I want! All this sounds amazing when I think about it, yet when I get so bogged down in the details of my current schooling situation, I tend to feel depressed and overwhelmed at times when I should instead be thankful and try to enjoy life a little more. Then again, that's always been my problem: I focus so much on the little problems despite the things that are going my way and end up skewing the overall picture. 

Anyway, just writing this post has definitely served its purpose. To be honest, I came here to sulk and basically perform an emotional vomit on the Internet; instead talking out what my situation actually is has reminded me (yet again!) to see the good in my situation and to go with the flow. Now to go do girly things and try on my friend's dresses for a potential formal event that I will be attending this weekend. It really is true that we make our own happiness...just wish I was a better, more consistent maker. 

Out of Perspective

At every level of school--elementary, high school, and university--I thought I was in the worst years of my life at the time. Mostly because I felt pretty crappy about myself and the people around me everywhere I went...and it still holds true today. Never once did I acknowledge my current situation as a "good" time, but given the perspective I have today, I think my favourite years were during elementary school. I suppose my friends of that part of my life were the "truest" and really appreciated/knew me for who I really was; those relationships were also the most meaningful (aside from the romantic relationships of course). The kids around me surprisingly dealt with a lot of tough things at such a young age. I think I can also remember being truly happy then.

Today? I was wrong about my peers. They don't make me feel good; my early feelings were masked by the adrenaline-fed anticipation of a new term. This is just another stop I have to get through on the long journey of life. Hopefully I have the good sense to make the best of it while I'm here. I'm trying to care, but it's tough. What's in a name? That which we call a friend would by any other name be as meaningless.

Then again, considering the whole idea of perspective addressed in this post, maybe I'll look back to these years (i.e. undergrad) and think they were the best years of my life--but most likely not.

Stuffing and Stuff

So, this week wasn't good from a practical standpoint (I've been told it's practical to worry about your GPA and career development). I had two midterms, and I'm pretty sure neither of them went too well. Unfortunately, all I can honestly say about it is, "Oh well." I don't know where this indifference is coming from, but my apathy for school is creeping up on me again, and I don't know whether to feel scared or relieved--I am even apathetic about my apathy.

Up an octave, physically, I feel better about everything...and I guess, myself. :) Last night, I went to sleep at a reasonable time: 1am. Baby steps right? Oh! A major reason why I haven't been sleeping lately is because I've been studying so hard. OH GOD, I hope you didn't believe me; I'm not nearly as dedicated as my ethnicity makes me out to be. -_-" The REAL reason why I've been staying up late is that I recently received Fire Emblem: Sealed Sword for GBA emulator, and it's been distracting me from schoolwork all term. I guess in a way I am a dedicated Asian because I just couldn't put the game down without beating it to completion. AND LAST NIGHT I FINALLY BEAT IT--well sort of, but lets not get into that. :(

This weekend, I went home and ate turkey with my family! It was less dry than turkey usually is, and the stuffing was amazing. THE END. Good stuffing means an amazing meal. Period. Well, I guess I should mention the other stuff anyway...so I had dinner with my family on the Saturday, and my mom made TOO much food. Hah, at least I'm not at home, so I don't have to help with all the leftovers. Sunday, I went to my Aunt's and we had Hakka takeout. It was interesting: a bit saucy and we could have chosen spicier dishes, but it was something new. It was also a celebration of my little cousin's birthday! She is turning 2 this year, and she seems to be developing faster than other kids her age. I'm rather interested to see how she turns out. I hate how my aunts, uncles, and parents keep comparing her to the development of me and my cousins. It pokes me right in my competitive spot; I feel like I want to go back to that age and show them that I can be advanced too...

Well, this week I've been reflecting on how I interact with my peers and "friends", and I think either I'm getting better at it or they are. Not exactly sure which, but somehow they've become more tolerable, and I'm starting to enjoy their company more (as I imagine I should be). I don't know what else to think or write, so I shall end that thought there.

Something random that occurred to me today:
Not that I'm emo or seeking attention, but I was thinking about people who have attempted or succeeded at suicide. Somehow it occurred to me that if I attempted suicide and backed out at the last minute or was completely unsuccessful, not only would I have to continue living, but I would also have to deal with the repercussions of my perceived emotional instability and failed attempt. Aside from all the friend/family shock, I again looked at this from a "practical" standpoint: If I ever wanted to apply for professional schools or "higher-end" jobs, my attempted suicide probably screwed whatever slim chances I ever had. Moral being, if you're going to do something, go for it all the way, I guess? I'm not sure there's really a moral in that, but it's what was going through my convoluted brain on the long walk to orchestra rehearsal.

Anyway, I'm going to try to squeeze in some forced productivity and attempt a self-imposed curfew. Good morning, good afternoon, and good night!

Summer Updates

THE INTRO PART
I can honestly conclude that this summer has been a relatively good one--and I feel like it's been long overdue. What made it good? Well, after a long dry spell of pretentiously reassuring ourselves that "Our house is pretty much like a cottage. It's nice to just relax here, and we don't have to spend any money either!", my family went on an ACTUAL vacation this summer. It's been...what, 10 years?

THE PART ABOUT THE NOT-AS-LAME-AS-EXPECTED VACATION
It was about an 8-day vacation in the Canadian Rockies. It was an active, somewhat relaxing trip. Most days were spent hiking. I'm not a big fan of it, and I wasn't actually looking forward to the trip beforehand, but it turned out to be okay. Plus, the outdoor activity helps to justify my excessive eating habits at home. The highlight of my trip was probably going whitewater rafting for the first time with my dad, brother, and cousin. For those of you familiar with the grading system of rapids, we went on a level 2/3. It was fun, but we all conceded that next time we'd have to go with a higher grading to up the excitement. As for the rest of the trip, we spent most days hiking mountains and exploring lake areas. It's amazing how the highway is just filled with trees and mountains--not a building in sight, so it was quite a shock when we got back to the GTA. Still, I've never been much of a landscape person, so after a few drives and hikes everything really starts to look the same.

THE PART ABOUT DRIVING
Also, I've finally gotten around to booking my G test. I planned to do it the weekend of the first week back to school, but I stupidly booked it for the Monday thinking Sept 19 was a Sunday. No idea what calendar I was looking at... Ugh, and missing an entire day in the second week of classes--GREAT start to the term. It's a real pain, and I'm not sure I even know anyone in those classes to get notes off of, but I really just want to get my stupid G out of the way before it expires. -_-" Live and learn--for me, both have been quite painful.

THE PART ABOUT THE MINI NIAGARA TRIP
In the past few days, I've also been in the Niagara-on-the-Lake area on a mini-trip with some of my family. It was another active/semi-relaxing trip with biking and hiking all over again. My aunt made some nice pasta. My favourite part of the dish was the arugula and basil that she topped it with. It tastes amazingggg to have the fresh ingredients on an otherwise slightly-above-average pasta. I highly recommend it!

THE PART ABOUT SCHOOL STUFF
As for school, I'm dreading it. If you didn't know, I just switched out of the Science and Business program into Biomedical Sciences this past winter, so I'm scrambling to obtain all the graduation requirements. Plus, it would be nice to finish school when I'm supposed to (vs. 1 year later because of the co-op program I was previously in). Unfortunately, all this amounts to me taking 4 consecutive school terms with only a few weeks of break between each--and I'm only halfway there.

THE PART DEMONSTRATING MY TYPE A PERSONALITY
I don't really want to rant about my usual life worries because I feel like I've already over-publicized that subject. Just know they're still alive and more than well.

THE OVER-ANALYTICAL, SELF-SYMPATHIZING PART
For some reason, I feel really down these days. Not even angry or irritable anymore, but just apathetic and lethargic. I'm certain it's not depression or anything seriously medical, but I feel stuck between needing major change in my life and being too afraid to leave my comfort zone. I've thought about it, and a lot of it seems to do with the friends I have and the things I'm doing. I feel like I need to meet new people and make friends that are more compatible with me. A change of scenery. I'm not even sure whether it's me or my surroundings that are the problem, and I don't think it will be easy to change either. I don't really know what the next steps in my life are, and when my options are presented to me, it just feels so overwhelming and intimidating. I wish I had more courage, more independence. Can anyone just develop those traits if they work hard enough at it, or are some of us just stuck with what we are? What if what I am is not enough? Nobody wants to consider that alternative, so we optimistically settle with the motto that anyone can do anything if you just put your heart into it. I wonder if that's really the case.

Blue in More than my Face

Lately, I've been feeling super angry/frustrated/annoyed/disappointed at/in everyone--even more than usual. I've tried to be objective and carefully considered the possibility that it's PMS, but I don't think it's (near) my time of the month for a little while more. Other than that, I can't really think of any reason for why I see everyone as one shade darker than the usual black these days. It's not because of overstudying or anything like that...I haven't been studying that hard for the past couple weeks. I've actually managed to include exercise into my university routine :) Since, in my blackened state, I have a lot of things to complain about, I've divided this post into a few major sections for convenient, selective navigation.

EXERCISE

I bought a shoetag membership that lets me get into any of many fitness classes--all for $50! Last week I went to the one called "Boot Camp". It was pretty good, and I like how the intimidating name keeps away most non-serious exercisers. It's not as intense as it sounds (definitely not like those weight loss programs where the instructor yells at you demeaningly/motivatingly), but it's good enough to give me a great workout in my flabby, unfit state. There were only 6 people in that class, and I really liked how the instructor pushed us. She covered suicides (to Kesha, oh joy), core workouts on bushi (?) balls, some exercises with weights, step exercises on the bushi balls, and other core stuff without the ball. Major downside was that my arms were seriously messed up for a couple days after. Whenever I forgot about my temporary disability, I would fling open a door as I usually do and immediately feel as if my arm was about to dislocate itself.

On Monday, I tried the "Kickboxing" class. Too many people went, and there were actually two guys in this class. I almost got kicked in the face by some noob who wasn't even kicking properly. Anyway, I'm not sure if it was the class itself or because the standard had been set so high by "Boot Camp", but this one was a breeze. She basically led us through some aerobic exercises with the different punches incorporated into the routine, as well as some kicking. I didn't really feel anything during the class, but just to punch the air made me feel good; I think I have an addiction to punching. Apparently, it also affected my muscles a bit because I felt some stiffness in my arms and legs the next day. Not only was the content and class size inferior to the first class, but so was the instructor. She was some Asian woman who didn't push us that hard. She couldn't even handle the exercises she was supposed to lead, she had difficulty counting sometimes, and she didn't do a lot of the exercises. Instead she would walk around "making sure" that people were doing things correctly, but she was flaming red in the face. I wanted to laugh at her but didn't. My advice: stick to badminton.

MICROBIOLOGY LAB

So I got the first quiz back for the 241 lab, and I didn't do so well even though it tested us on things like how to write a lab report. Like seriously?! I knew all my stuff, but they were looking for extremely specific things for each question. I knew that stupid Appendix on how to write a lab report by heart, but no. The stupid laws of acadaemia screwed me over. Man, I was so mad that I immediately blamed the TA who marked it, but maybe I should just blame myself for being a retard. Of course I didn't voice any of my feelings to the TA herself. Seems it was sufficient to just witch about it to my lab group. I'm such a nice person :)

EMBRYOLOGY PROF

I had a question about whether the material she covered in class about twins was testable or not. It seemed like one of those interesting topics she just threw in there for fun, and I wanted to confirm that it would be on the exams so I can prioritize my studying, since that course is extremely content-heavy...so I emailed her, and she gives me this snarky response asking if it was so terrible to learn about twins in an embryo course, and that I would have to know it depending on my future plans and what mark I wanted to get in the course. Sure, you're a foreign Russian lady very knowledgeable in the natural sciences but you have a serious language barrier to overcome. She didn't understand that I was asking with the intent of prioritizing and focusing my study efforts. Surprise surprise, I'm taking more than just embryo this term, and I DON'T live and breathe schoolwork.

FOOD BANK CLUB

Not sure if I've mentioned this already or not, but I've joined the food bank club this term. It's a confidential service catering to students who are in financial need. You just have to stop by with your student ID and take whatever cans of food you want, within the set limits. It seems like a good cause but as my friendly verily pointed out to me from the start, they need to improve their marketing.

Well, from the very moment I attended the general meeting, I discovered marketing wasn't the only area they had to improve--and far from it! The execs were a joke. They were like 12 year olds standing in front of us, barely able to talk because they were giggling. Furthermore, when they did get into talking, they didn't explain anything about the food limits or how to man the office during our shifts. Luckily, my friend Daniel has been in the club (when it saw the days of half-competent management) and he told me what to do. They also announced they were taking exec applications, and I decided to apply for Attendance Exec just for fun and because I didn't want too much time commitment.

I figured, well, at least they'll just pick execs, and if I happen to get chosen, I will do my best to help the club out. Turns out they can't even pick execs properly. 5 people applied for the Attendance Exec position, 5 Attendance Execs were chosen. When I saw this, I couldn't believe my eyes. How can these two incompetent girls have ever become the execs? This club has a great cause and seems to have some great connections, but sadly its ruin is imminent with these two fools in lead. ALL the responsibilities of the Attendance Exec would have been a minor task even for a single individual. But NO, they want to spread it between FIVE people, creating more work by dispersing database responsibilities between multiple individuals. I was even willing to give the "Attendance team" a try, but when we couldn't even coordinate a mutually open time to meet, I gave up the facade. I sent an email resigning from the position even before the ridiculousness of it started. I know I saved myself and the club a lot of trouble.

"FRIENDS"

It seems almost redundant and unnecessary but I will state it again. Friends are a matter of convenience. We hang out with those who are available at the right place at the right time. Don't expect others to go out of the way for you; you can really only ever fully trust yourself. DESPERATE and YEARNING for friends? --settle for family. Even if they get tired of you or WANT to ditch you, they're forced to spend time with/tolerate you.

EUCHRE CLUB

I'm pretty much sick of euchre and the people in it. Someone made a demeaning comment of how Biomed students get to take so many electives (as opposed to Chem). First, understand that I still feel like I'm in Scibus even though I recently made the switch to Biomed, so that has nothing to do with my opinion on this matter. Second, you really have no right to be talking crap about another program that could ultimately pursue the same end as you. In fact, you're the idiot for not choosing the most strategic route. You could have enrolled in Biomed and taken the SMARTER route with the Chemistry you love and the electives to boost your grade or manage your workload from term-to-term. Then again, if you were in Biomed, you wouldn't be able to convince yourself how special you were to focus on "pure" Chemistry. My bad.

It also makes me laugh in incredulity at how haughty and self-absorbed the execs are. Seriously, you're the exec of a CARD club. Also, I hate losing. I hate losing even more when it feels unjustified. Lady Luck obviously hates my guts...hmm, maybe I should learn to rig decks? After all, I seem to have the dexterity of shuffling down pat. :)

DISLIKE OF GAY GUYS--NOT HOMOPHOBIA

Something random: I don't like gay guys. Why am I being so discriminatory and close-minded, you may ask. Actually, the thing is, I don't mind homosexuality at all. Although I am both conservative and Christian, I don't have a problem with same-sex relationships (my unconventional Christian beliefs are a story for another time).

Not sure if I've said it before, but if I was a guy, I would probably like guys too. So what's my beef with gay guys? Simple, they're just like girly girls, and I hate (girly) girls. Self-absorbed, superficial, and full of whatever other derogatory s-words you can think of. Yes, you know the one I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with ALL girls or even girls showing their estrogenal roots from time to time, but there's only so much GIRL I can tolerate. My only favourite female heroines on TV are Piper Halliwell and Lois Lane for good reason. They are smart, level-headed, and sexy all at once. Girly girls and gays? Not so much. Like, 10 thumbs down and, like, a spit on their, like, skanky skirts and, like, uggs.

But yeah, long story short: now is not a good time to poke me with your joking jibes or teasing insults...I just might end up killing you.

P.S. I know my writing is usually sarcastic and ridiculously exaggerated but I'm not so sure this one is...

Not-so-new Beginnings

Well, it's certainly been a while since I've posted anything substantial on my blog, so "now" just seemed appropriate. When exactly is now? Two weeks into my 3A undergraduate term, 6-course load, orchestra/euchre/intramural soccer, supportive and sensitive boyfriend, and a new house with 75% of my housemates being good university friends. So far so good.

Ew, that phrase is actually pretty annoying because it's the title of several of my biochem prof's unenlightening lecture slides. In reality, her unclear, disorganized teaching style does not make things good so far. I have to listen to additional online lectures to completely understand the course material. Resist as I might, it seems that the need to attend her lectures will soon obsolesce.

While I'm on the subject of courses, this is what I'm taking this term:
-AFM 231 Business Law
-CHEM 237 +L Intro Biochem
-CHEM 267 Organic Chem 2
-ECON 201 Microeconomic Theory
-ECON 371 Business Finance
-PSYCH 232 Psychology of Evil

I'm pretty interested in the content of most of my courses surprisingly! With the exception of biochem, my profs are pretty good too! =) I anticipate that, if I find the long-dormant inner discipline I once possessed, I can be successful this term. And what a welcome change that would be.

...Sooo here's the big news: Recently, I've been pushed into a certain direction of life, and I have no reason and/or desire to resist whatsoever. That direction being CAREER-RELATED! Finally, with a goal in mind, I have some concrete objectives and the opportunity to go for them, which I intend to do. I suppose much of this is rather vague and uninformative, but it's not the WHAT (i.e. objectives, direction) that is important, but rather the HOW (i.e. renewed outlook on life and school). So far, I've already tried to make it a habit of completing all readings prior to lecture, putting my cell phone away for the majority of lectures, and decreasing the game:study ratio. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) for you, I will be posting much less frequently as well, so get used to it early on.

For people who have come to know my blog posting style, probably one of my favourite parts of blogging is to think of a sarcastic, ironic, witty--whatever you want to call it--title for my posts and proceed to explain them in the post. Here is that explanation:

For my facebook friends, you may have seen this comment in my ABOUT ME, "I have recently taken quite a fall from grace, in many aspects."

One of these aspects is my schoolwork. Ever since grade 11, my work habits and actual concern for my academic well-being has dwindled at an exponential rate. Like most students, I go into the beginning of each term with high hopes for my work habits and dedication to my schooling. That never worked for me...until now.

Sometimes I wonder why I can't remember things I've learned only a term ago. Secretly, I hope it's just my poor memory, but sometimes this guilty feeling creeps up on me, telling me that my lack of knowledge is simply a result of not learning the material properly in the first place. This term, some of that is already coming back to bite me in the behind. Fortunately, my new purpose gives me something to work for. Something to hope for. Something I haven't had for a long time.

I just hope this newfound resolve isn't another cliche example of too little too late.

Mixed Feelings

So lately, I've had a string of ups and downs, as I suppose is typical of the great mystery we call life.

1. I actually got a co-op job! I'll be working as a Research Assistant in Harrow for a governmental organization. Should be interesting because we're doing work with bees to implant a non-chemical pest control agent into plants via the natural pollination process. I have already settled my housing and am currently going through the tedious preparatory paperwork. I plan to catch up on all the TV shows that I am in the middle of (i.e. Dexter, One Tree Hill, True Blood, etc.) and go for a run every day to lose some of the unhealthy fat I've built up over the past year. It feels great to not have to worry about job searching anymore. Thank you, Dr. Shipp, for hiring me, despite the sinking feeling that I already know you have made a fatal mistake--and thank you, God, for making this miracle possible.

2. As are many of my peers stuck in school this summer, I am stuck in the middle of midterm season. =( Unfortunately, a lot of my friends have already finished or are nearing the end of their exams, while I still have a ways to go. I have written 2 Psychs, 2 Econs, 1 Math, 1 English Essay, and 1 Physics. As far as I know I still have at least 1 Math and 1 Psych left to write. Despite having written over 75% of my exams, I still haven't found the discipline to sit myself down and do some serious studying. I'm not sure whether it is the slack schedule in my past co-op term or the lovely summer season that has totally decimated whatever study habits were sustaining my academic life before, but it's sure taking its toll this term. I haven't been pulling good grades to my maximum potential in any subject. Even after a near failure on my Math test, I was only fazed for a few days, and the effect has kind of numbed by this point...and I don't know what to do?

3. I've gotten back into cooking--without the food poisoning, believe it or not. Mind you, my cooking is not in any sense of enjoyable gourmet cuisine calibre, but rather a survival instinct. Luckily, I've managed to shy away from the monotonous stir fry chicken dish that sustained me from September 2009-February 2010. Miraculous how that disgusting piece of crap even sustained me for that long, I know. With a bit of guidance from my cooking-keen housemate Sandra, I've managed to pull off an edible version of spaghetti. Also, in a desperate attempt to make do with the few ingredients I have, I marinated some thinly sliced pork loins with soya sauce and lemon sauce. It was unsettlingly...yummy--but can I even use that word for my cooking in ANY context? O_o

OHH Food relationship update: I've gotten into adding lemon juice and parsley into ALL my dishes. You can never go wrong with parsley <3

4. As usual, I'm still quite lost as to the direction my future will take. It makes me depressed to hear about my peers getting into professional schools already, while I'm still struggling to fit the pre-requisites into my ridiculous co-op-invaded schedule--not to mention striving to achieve a decent grade in each course. Something funny--but not really--that was brought up in psych class that I'd like to share...ironically, it's from the chapter on Motivation. Hah! Anyway, as soon as I saw the slide listing, I immediately identified myself as having identity diffusion, somewhat pridefully too!

-identity diffusion: inability to commit, no sense of direction, no choices
-identity achievement: successful identity realization
-identity foreclosure: pressured into making an early decision
-identity moratorium: struggling between choices; supposedly where most uni students are

Unfortunately, I was disappointed when my professor went through the list explaining each, and for identity diffusion, all she said was something along the lines of, "These individuals have social and academic problems. They're just in general confused."

With my new-found academic slump and all my friends starting to actually apply for and get into professional schools, I'm developing a fear of being left behind...

5. In a lame attempt to be what we foolishly value--optimistic--I recognize that with my decreased effort into my studies, there is a slight tradeoff in terms of the current enjoyment I am getting out of life.
For one, I've been going to euchre club on a regular basis this term, and I love it, as always--although not solely for the same reasons I'm used to. I've actually started to make a few friends at this club, and I've started talking to one particular loser this term. Good times...and I accomplished all this without improving my social skills in the slightest. Ah, the wonders of facebook and MSN! =)
Second, I've also been spending more time with my friends and indulging in that oh so lovely ethanol. In fact, I've developed a new friend in Smirnoff Ice and its delicate cousin Twisted Green Apple, especially in settings such as King, Tub thumper, and other *cough...games. =)

I guess it wouldn't hurt to end off on a happy note:
I just had a conversation with my brother earlier tonight, and it was probably one of the most civilized conversations I have ever had with him for at least 6 years (before he became an immature dick). I was actually very proud to hear that he was interested in striving for decent programs at specific universities in order to pursue a career in music. Sadly, that is more than I can say about the circumstances under which I chose to enter my own program.

Anyways, I truly believe he has a talent in violin, and it's about time he appreciated this enough to want to do something about it. It seems the late-blooming maturity too characteristic of the male species has finally begun to poke its head out from his overgrown mop of hair.

I'm proud of my brother Robert, and I believe in him now that he has finally decided to believe in himself. =)

ROUND 2: Christie vs. Interviews

So I literally just had this amazing epiphany:
The reason why my interview experience for Work Term 1 was so traumatic is because I completely forgot about my life's moral, which has saved me from significant embarrassment, scarring, and post-event trauma 23094029384029384203948203948203948203948203984203948230948203984 (etc...) times in the past.

--essentially, it's just TOO life-saving for me NOT to reiterate it for you:

EXPECT THE WORST AND YOU'LL NEVER BE DISAPPOINTED

Now, given a second chance--not at a better job, mind you--but at handling major interview fails, I am now more prepared. I have already done the mental and emotional preparation required to attend numerous interviews, receive only rankings and no offers, and waste yet more of my studying time in continuous round interviews for jobs I don't really want.

EXCEPT THIS TIME...

1. I only applied for science jobs.
2. I actually have some experience to talk about when I answer questions.
3. There seems to be less competition from upper years for the same positions.
4. The ratio of jobs to students seems friendlier in the spring term :)

NOTE: Why do each of my posts become more optimistic every time? What is this world coming to?? Well, in an effort to avoid disappointing the reader who has come to know my true self, read on.

Perhaps these factors that I have pointed out will increase my chances at obtaining a more relevant job for the fall. Perhaps not.

Perhaps I will finally be able to escape the horrors of Scibus and integrate myself into the general science student body. Perhaps not.

Perhaps I won't find a job, and this will be my last term of co-op(!)? Perhaps not [ :( ]...


Time, tell me what to do...you tend to make most of my decisions anyway...

Confessions of a Desperately Shy Interviewee

Whether you care or not does not cause me to care. I stopped posting for a while because someone who I respect felt my posting was directly criticizing them. Although I had no intention of the sort, respect forces you to do things outside of your will and logical reasoning. Being an immature, unempathetic individual, I have decided to post again to potentially gain some personal gratification. Just getting my thoughts out here in this pretty font makes me feel...satisfied somehow. I guess a lot of this has to do with the narcissistic pleasure of narrating one's own life (me?, not so much a protagonist...more an anti protagonist)--not to mention the mesmerizing clicking of the keyboard. :)

Sitting here in a rather melancholy, non-medically depressed state shifts my thoughts towards "bigger questions" like what is the meaning of life? EXCEPT...for me I tend to ask what is the meaning of me? Other people seem to be doing well in life, so the real question lies within myself. Being actively involved in the job search process for my first co-op term has forced me to evaluate what I hope to get out of life as well as my own strengths, skills, weaknesses, potential, and long term goals.

First round seemed okay. I didn't know what to expect, but my friend Alex gave me a rough idea of how the pre-interview sign in process worked. Other than that I was told to be confident, interested, and honest. I typically went in knowing a bit about the company and why I was generally interested in that job, and I went with the flow, assuming I knew myself well enough. At the time, I didn't realize that answers are (apparently) better long than short, so alarm bells didn't go off whenever 30 minute interviews ended in 15 minutes or 1 hr long interviews ended in 20. I ended up with 7 rankings out of 10 interviews, no offers or resulting matches. I was a little saddened but not overly concerned. Friends, as obligated, assured me there were plenty of opportunities to come in second round; so second round I awaited.

This round goes pretty fast, so I've sort of lost track of all the interviews I've had and their respective ranking results. I don't know if it had to do with the jobs that I was getting interviewed for (marketing, sales), but by this point I felt like I didn't actually have anything to offer companies. To compensate for the waning sense of motivation, I attempted to put in a little more effort to prepare main points for standard interview questions as well as familiarizing myself with the company and (making an attempt at) identifying what attracted me to it initially. I could feel the desperation settling in when I went into a Sales Associate interview for Target Directories and the interviewer asked me to SELL HIM SOMETHING. I don't really know what I drank or ate prior to that interview, but I changed into this entirely energetic and perky person who was going on and on about winter jackets (i.e. telling him he had a need for the product, outlining its specs, bringing up great seasonal deals, and customizability of the product). It was great--just not great enough. For me, that interview was probably the pinnacle of my desperate interviewing attempts a.k.a. personal humiliation. Mainly because I felt I had to put on a mask to sell myself at the interview and act like the kind of people I don't personally admire...all this for a job I didn't really want.

Another great thing I've gotta love about co-op is the interviews where you feel great about your performance, yet the results just don't come through for you--it's a cruel tease, I tell you. For Copernicus Educational Products' Junior Account Manager, I hassled many of my friends for more tips and feedback on my general approach to the interview. Thus I had good reason to go into that one confidently and wholly convinced that this was the job for me. It went really well. I gave full, intoned answers to all the questions, and I truly felt confident. The interviewer and I even made a slight connection through our interest in music. I had a strong connection with Classical music training, and she was into vocals, piano, and guitar. We even talked a bit about the small band she used to be in. If I had gotten that job, there may have been the potential for a social connection beyond the typical employer-co-op student one. We could have been more, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be...but what's that saying--no homo?

I guess the last situation I wanted to mention was my most recent phone interview with Amorfix Life Sciences Ltd. For the first time in a long time, since first round, I was genuinely interested in this position of working in the R&D department of this upcoming biotechnology company. My friend Luke helped me practice my phone interviewing skills a week prior, adding 30 minutes to my dreadfully expensive phone bill, but I think it was pretty helpful. We haven't conversed much on the phone, so it was interesting to get fresh feedback on my voice, intonation, and answers because my friend Sandra and I couldn't figure out why I was failing so many interviews so miserably. I discovered that when I got nervous, I tended to say umm a lot and was advised to pause longer before answering and vary my tone in the interest of the listening interviewer. I did my very best to incorporate these tips into my interviews by practicing with my housemate, on my own, and writing notes to myself on a paper during the interview.

Amorfix was coming out with a new epitope-based technology for treating neurodegenerative disease.

Boring Biology Stuff Here...Skip at your leisure.
Basically, a big issue is to attack the Aggregate Misfolded Proteins that are leading up to these diseases without harming normal protein. With Amorfix chemical agents, the epitope markers on normal cells are altered so that only AMPs can be detected.

Having analyzed numerous companies' technologies similar to this one, I found this opportunity to get firsthand involvement extremely enticing! When I actually did the interview, she asked me a few technical questions, which were pretty simple to answer. I thought my soft skill answers were weaker, as usual, but I left satisfied that I gave my best effort.

THE SAME DAY...

I ended up with a ranking...and the next day a successful employment match! I'm really excited to start my new work term. My interviewer even mentioned the opportunity to expand into other R&D projects. It is going to be a challenging but engaging work term! =)

THE END.


...



...


Sorry what? Was I dreaming again? Let me rewind a bit.

I actually was dreaming. I dreamt that I got the job on jobmine, which helped me to surprisingly wake up from only 6 hours of sleep. Lo and behold, when I checked, I eerily got the job. At first I was slightly creeped out by my dream. Honestly, the chances of me getting a job? No...it's not real--it can't be, after all these weeks of intense job searching????!!!! I ran up to my housemate's room and made her look over my information too, and got her to respond independently of what I thought was my dream world. It seemed legit. A few hours of blissful studying, a halved burden of stress, and surprisingly productive group studying with my housemate left me content for a few hours. I had eagerly emailed my supervisor to confirm details and reassured my parents I had not totally wasted their money on my education. Only a few hours later, my field coordinator calls me on my cell phone. To notify me. That the company made a mistake. In their rankings. And they had to. (VERBATIM) Rescind your offer.

I guess I can just look back on this as a huge learning experience filled with suspenseful twists and turns. I also obtained some insight into myself and how I fit into society. People always ask me what I want. As a self-proclaimed realist, does it really matter? Interviews have further confirmed this. In the end, it doesn't matter what you want, only what you're good at. In this aspect, I believe I am on the right track in life. I am doing what I have the most potential for--a mechanical science career with supporting business background.

It's probably safe to say that I did close to 20 interviews. Understandably, you're saying wow you have a lot of experience. What did you learn? Simple. I learned the co-op program is not really for me. I'm introverted, "overly realistic", and driven by the desire to experience any kind of success, without having any specific inclination or interest in a particular field. Employers don't want me. If I was an employer, I wouldn't want me. I also learned about myself that all I really want is to feel special or useful to someone or some company someday. Preferrably not as some kind of sexual slave or maid, but whatever life serves me I guess I will have to settle for.

Currently, I'm going to persist in trying to find a job up to the last minute, but even if I manage to find a job, it is unlikely to be one that I want and I will have to experience this plaguing process every work term to come. We shall have to see what happens, after all I'm sure my parents are looking to see some sort of investment return on the $500 co-op fee.

Overall, it's been a rough term having co-op. Surprisingly, it sneaked up on me and became my hardest "course", but it's all good. Honestly, thanks to the fact that my near-employment experience all started off with a dream, the full impact of this "cherishable" experience is not hitting me all at once. Sometimes my estrogenic weakness provokes some ocular irrigation, but I'm determined to suck it up and be a man/beast. =) After all I have a reputation to uphold amongst my friends.

What's the secret password?

Just to make the topic of this post clearer...

Club: a group of persons organized for a social, literary, athletic, political, or other purpose; an organization that offers its subscribers certain benefits, as discounts, bonuses, or interest, in return for regular purchases or payments

All my life, I've never really been much of a club person, other than the time my cousin and I set up a little clubhouse in her old van to plays cards and keep random thingamajigs in. I suppose this has something to do with my introverted personality and reluctance to meet new people. In fact, I have a reluctance to get involved with anything new or outside of my regular routine, but that's a post for another day.

For some reason, I just can't ignore this haunting scenario of me standing awkwardly in the corner while everyone is socializing and engaging in intelligent conversation. I am horrible at just MAKING conversation. IN FACT, this scenario is very much like my situation when I was in the UW Euchre club in the fall term of last year. I made one friend, and she was the only one that I felt brave enough to talk to because everyone seemed to know each other and have different favoured topics of discussion and interests from myself--and yet I still went because I just love euchre that much -_-" . The rest of the time, I felt awkward and out of place because everyone seemed to know each other pretty well, they have similar interests to discuss, and I didn't feel like I had anything useful to contribute to the discussions, other than "pass" or "spades, going alone". Again, my lack of conversational skills relates to my being out of touch with the world, a big part of which I will blame on the absence of cable in my house.

Throughout elementary school, high school, and even my first year of university, I always heard about clubs being advertised and all sorts of announcements for general meetings, but I never seriously considered joining any of them. I always found some excuse or other not to join whether I supported their goals or not. For some reason, I felt they were a waste of time because they were student-run. I thought, what could you possibly learn from other students in a club that you couldn't learn on your own? Besides, I can talk to most of these people in any of my classes. Only until this year did I even start to realize the importance of joining clubs.

To be honest, elementary and high school clubs are not so much a big deal. They are pretty closely monitored by teachers, and they hardly benefit society on a bigger scale. Yeah, I know, if everyone does a little, it becomes a lot--just like litter--but for the sake of this post lets separate theory from practice.

Side Note: an interesting thing my AFM prof said in class a few weeks ago, "In theory, theory is practice, but in practice it's not." Something about quotes, which use a few words repetitively yet succinctly, appeals to me.

Since I never really joined any clubs, I can only share my impressions of the responsibilities that the "execs" of these kinds of clubs have. As usual, feel free to express your utter outrage and disappointment in my opinions, minus the profanities please. So yeah, it seemed like these execs mainly collected money, took attendance, or announced dates of events--simple errands that my elementary school teachers would often select random volunteers to do. So how many skills or qualifications does it really take?

Back to secondary school clubs and earlier, the real value in joining them is to gain what I'd like to call "resume experience" for university clubs. "Resume experience" is basically when you hold a position or participate in something that doesn't really develop either your soft or technical skills, but on paper, the job title or tasks sound more significant than they really are. Really, you're just killing another inch of a tree trunk. Anyways, the point of filling up your resume with a bunch of elementary and high school experience is to make yourself LOOK more prepared than your peers when you enter university. When you enter university, the meaning of a club is a whole new story.

1. Networking
As much as I HATE this concept, it is sadly one of the keys to being successful in life. Yes, that also means suckups will rule the world (but this doesn't mean you can't still hate them ;) ). In university, you pretty much get scared into joining clubs because it's difficult to fill up your resume with actual work experience that will relate to co-op job requirements. Plus, you have to make sure the execs at least know you exist, in case you need reference letters or something. When I say networking, I don't just mean for academic or professional work purposes, but also social. By joining clubs or extracurricular groups, I made some interesting friends and witnessed a diversity of students that I would never have noticed otherwise. University or college is SO big that you don't really get a chance to meet everyone or at least see what they're like. Uni clubs are a great opportunity for this.

2. Exec positions
Unlike clubs in the earlier stages of education, clubs are actually FULLY student run, and students are always busy people. Thus, the responsibilities of the club are pretty well organized to fairly distribute various "housekeeping" tasks for the club amongst several members--much like the organizational structure of a company. I actually find this very interesting and useful for application in real life when you're out in the workplace. Having actually gotten involved in a club this year (first time in my life), I realize it's a lot of work and responsibility. To be honest, responsibility and real-life applicable things scare the hell out of me. I AM NOT READY TO GROW UP!! Thus, my natural coping mechanism is to pretend I'm playing house, store, or some kind of make-believe life game. That's basically how I dealt with my grade 11 accounting course, learning how to drive, cooking for myself, and being an Internal Relations Coordinator for the UW English Tutors. Btw, this reminds me of the good old elementary school days when I would feed my friends grass salad. Mm-mmm.

3. Fun
A lot of the clubs at UW are pretty random and obviously based on sincere interest in something (e.g. photography, swing dance, hip hop, ballroom dancing, and I believe I saw some sort of cheese tasting club Yummmmyy...). In high school and elementary school, I don't really remember a club being based on a random interest, except for anime club, but I refuse to count it! I guess since the school's population is smaller there is a lower probability that enough people will have similar interests in the same thing to establish a substantial member base for that club.

IF YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO READ THE WHOLE POST START HERE:

Clubs are important for filling up your resume and developing practical skills for living life. Believe me, if you plan on going anywhere in life, force yourself to join at least one club, and you may even be lucky enough to enjoy it.

Christiemon, I choose you!

Type: Fire
Hp: Undefined
Attack: Excruciating
Defense: Impenetrable
Speed: Light is relatively slow

Weakness: stressed easily and slightly pessimistic

So I am currently trapped in my room writing up answers for practice interview questions in my PD Co-op preparatory course. I figured since I probably won't have time to post very often anymore, why not kill two birds with one stone? So...For the "classic question" I went with:

4. Describe one of your weaknesses.

One of my characteristic weaknesses is that I get stressed easily and am slightly pessimistic. This becomes evident in situations where I have too many tasks in progress at once or I am preparing for a significant event. However, I believe this trait is an essential motivator for some of my most effective work habits. Since I often get worried and overwhelmed by ongoing academic projects or extracurricular events, I motivate myself to tackle one item at a time in an organized fashion by writing down due dates, preparing checklists, and aiming to complete tasks well before the deadline. Often, if something seems too overwhelming, I manage to calm myself down and focus my thoughts better by simplifying concepts, prioritizing my activities, and preparing for the worst case scenario. Not only does my pessimism help me to be technically and emotionally prepared for the various outcomes, but it is also a way to push myself to exceed the standard expectations of any task I undertake.

Another reason to stress

2A COURSES + a bit of personal insight about each:

BIOL 130L: Took this course in my 1A term. Hopefully, I do better on the lab, even though I don't even remember stuff that I learned in my 1B term.

AFM 123: Accounting for Managers or something hahaha...hopefully my one easy course.

PHYS 111: basic first year physics that I just managed to fit into my schedule since I changed from Bio specialization to non-specialization--now I can keep dentistry an option. YAYs all around EXCEPT for the fact that I didn't even take grade 11 physics... + LAB...oh god.

CHEM 266: Organic Chemistry. Enough said. + LAB

SCBUS 223: uhh...I hated SCBUSS 122 or SCIBUS 123. Learned close to nothing. Full of presentations and group projects. You never know, this one could be...different...or...maybe...not...

STAT 202: Yeah, so I got a 69 on my first data management test, and I still don't know why I got some of those questions wrong.

It's gonna be a great term.

Summer Dreams Ripped at the Seams

Until last year, I always used to get excited to start school. I felt the summer was boring and lonely because my parents usually sent me and Robert to sports, arts, or music camps...most of the time the kids here are immature and often mean. On other occasions, my parents would send us over to my grandparents' where we would just sit around watching TV all day. It always started fun, but I ended up with a massive headache from my uncontrollable addiction. I always thought, "Summer sucks; I want to go back to school and see my friends..." Now, a little older and wiser, I know better.

Even last year, I was excited to start my first year of university. Not because I was eager to learn, meet new people, or any other cheesy reason--actually, my family was annoying me. My parents were nagging me about the same things over and over, blaming me for things that weren't my fault, and my brother was annoying the hell out of me, even MORE than usual. For me, first year was an escape from my house. In fact, I only went home for commencement, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Reading Week, and after school was over. The few times I phoned home were to ask for a new printer cartridge or for medical advice and supplies when I was majorly sick. Poor grades, getting frustrated with my friends or coworkers, or bad dreams--experiences that I would usually vent to my parents, those kind of conversations I burdened my roommate and a few friends with.

This year, is already starting off totally different. In my entire life, I have never dreaded going to school this badly as I do this year. I don't really know why. I suppose what my friend Amy said about this topic is true, "You know what to expect." University is a tough transition for me because I have to push myself to study and obtain decent grades, eat properly, support myself, and maintain balance in my extracurricular activities all at the same time. All my life, my parents have provided a comfortable, sheltered lifestyle for me, and suddenly I'm being pushed into the middle of the ocean with a tiny rowboat and a pair of oars. You know what sucks the most about all this? This is pretty much what the rest of REAL life is going to be like...survival. Childhood actually isn't a fair thing. It's so innocent, sweet, and protected then it just gets taken away from us in a heartbeat. It's a really poor representation of what life is like, and it leaves us unprepared for the real challenges to come.

I admire my parents' hard work and wonder how they ever got through this? Then I remember, oh yeah, we're a more competitive and spoiled generation. They received sufficient "survival training" from a young age by having to help out more in the kitchen and having to take on whatever job they could find to help support their families.

I don't know how people can be excited for university until they've actually experienced it. In fact, I find it kind of annoying, no offense to all my first year friends. Living in res...Sure it's a great way to meet people, but it still protects us from what living away from home is really like. As my friends and I discovered in frosh week, it feels just like camp. You get up, go to your "activities", do whatever you want whenever you want (often in groups), and walk into the cafeteria where you help yourself to whatever food is on the menu. In reality, university is a life-sized preview of the challenges to come later on in REAL LIFE. Until a person is living entirely on their own hard-earned money and survival skills (e.g. cooking), life hasn't really begun, so don't get too comfortable yet.

School hasn't even started and already I'm stressed about maintaining the house, improving my grades, getting enough exercise, honouring a balanced diet, and landing a co-op job. To accomplish these goals even half-decently, I'm going to require a lot of motivation, time, and talent. On the bright side, being able to appreciate all that my parents have done for me up to this point has enabled me to miss them. I haven't left yet, but I have a feeling I'm going to realize their absence during my studies more significantly than last year. Even if I manage to survive year 2 of hell, I still have to fight my way into whatever decent career I can establish for myself--not to mention all this is to be somehow accomplished on my own?! So much to do and so little confidence.

Are you afraid of the dark?

Personally, I'm not that afraid of the dark. Of course it depends on what kind of sounds are going on in the background and where I am, but generally I am not. Usually people are afraid of the dark because of the crazy ideas that movies put into our heads or simply our own imaginations. We need to separate real life from the cinema. Of course, sometimes it's just fun to pretend to be scared or to scream with your friends, but I am generally fearless in the dark--just a bit blind. However, there are several things that I am afraid of:

1. Touching slimy animals or certain insects. I don't have a problem with killing flies or mosquitoes in my hands (or with kleenexes) or sweeping spiders to the outdoors, but I definitely won't volunteer to pet a spider, bait a worm, or touch any other slimy creature. The only insect I don't mind touching are ladybugs cuz they're just so pretty and...lady-like? I suppose this fear has also affected my second fear.

2. The ocean and its wildlife. Not only are these creatures slimy, but in grade 5, we studied a lot of sea creatures in moderate detail. Almost everything has some sharp, electrical, slimy, poisonous defense, so I refuse to go snorkeling or venture into ocean waters deeper than 1/4 my height. Even when I've gone swimming in the lake water at my cottage and floating seaweed brushes against me, I get freaked out. To protect myself from any native wildlife, I try to move my legs around a lot so they know to stay away from me.

3. Heights. Pretty common, so there's not much to be said about this one. Basically it has prevented me from volunteering to participate in things such as rock climbing, diving, going on amusement park rides, or even thinking of even attempting any of those extreme sports like bungee jumping, sky diving, parachuting, etc.

4. Public humiliation. The way I see it, almost everyone has this fear; people just protect themselves from it in different ways. To make my point more easily, I'll default to the high school sterotypes: Basically, the popular kids declare themselves as such; giving themselves immunity against all jokes redirected at them. They also have the power of numbers. I suspect this is also why people establish BFFs...in the case that everything happens to go wrong, they can just go to this one person and pretend not to care what the rest of the world thinks. The only flaw with this concept is that often in these popular circles, the "bff" often turns out to be the big backstabber.

The rebellious "weird" kids are pretty similar to the popular group. The only difference is that the justification for their actions is to counteract the damage done by the popular group. Their life purpose is to do or say weird things just to prove that an opposite extreme exists. Most members of this group pride themselves on being hyperactive/crazy and showing everyone that they are having the most fun acting that way.

Lastly, there are the middleground nobodies who'd rather be invisible. I'd like to include myself in this group because I can identify directly with what I believe is their underlying rationale. Motto: Don't do anything outstanding and nothing about you will stand out for people to make fun of.

Whether you can identify with any of these stereotypical groups or not, my point was that everyone has put up their own form of defense against public humiliation. After all, who sincerely wants to be the big joke shared around the table or the latest hot topic for gossip?

5. Failure.
To tell you the truth, failure itself is not my true fear, but rather the side-effects of failure. My biggest fear is disappointing people. You're probably thinking, "Well yeah, you're an Asian with strict Asian parents; Of course you're scared of getting the bamboo stick!" No, it's actually not like that at all. Before my big transformation from being a passive student who just went to school everyday like camp to a dedicated student who realized the importance of grades, my mom yelled at me a lot to do my homework and improve my studies. At the time, I thought yelling was just one of those mom jobs, but then I realized she cared about my success. To be honest, I don't really care about my own success, but I am motivated in all that I do to fulfill the expectations of my family, my friends, coworkers, etc. If I disappointed them, I would feel that I am not making it worth their while to take care of me, befriend me, or even care that I exist. As a result, I crack easily under pressure because all I can think about is the worst case scenario of all-around disappointment. I also prefer to be underestimated or have people expect nothing of me and be pleasantly surprised.


OVERALL, I'd like to think I'm braver than the average girl. I'm not afraid of germs, getting dirty, killing bugs, breaking a nail, or having bad hair days. But really, I can't claim I'm any better than a soft girly girl because they handle basic things like high-pressure situations or swimming in the ocean way better than I could ever hope to.

People often say you should work on getting over your fears by facing them instead of running away. I partially disagree because fears are not always irrational. Often there are morals or prior experience behind these rationalizations that other people may not understand. Taking the example of rollercoasters, I don't like riding them because the heights and upside-down manoeuvers are not one of my preferred methods of dying. My fear of rollercoasters is still plausible because there have been a lot of amusement park accidents...the fact that I am afraid shows that I weight the risk involved in this activity more than others.

People's fears are like personal values or characteristics that define who they are. Instead of forcing people to face their fears, I think one should just be there to support and help them through it whenever they ask for it and, more importantly, when they're not smart enough to ask for it.

I gotta' feeling tonight's gonna be a great night...

Wahoo, I'm finally done my exam! It turned out okay. About two other people were doing the same exam as me. A bunch of older people were there for psychology, english, french, social work, and calculus 1. I also got to check out the Sheridan College campus, kind of depressing like Waterloo. But anyways, I'm not a landscape person at all, so I'm just being unnecessarily judgemental.

This morning I woke up at 9 miraculously, and I tried to study, but I just started feeling sick from my overwhelming nervousness. Even after a 2 hour nap, I still had a major headache and almost barfed. My usual symptoms were expectantly cured as soon as I started writing my exam. There's something about studying hard for a test and spilling out all of your brains on a piece of paper. It just feels so good!

Well, tonight, my parents and I are going to eat at a Chinese restaurant for dinner, and my mom is going to watch House with me, in a few minutes. :) The best part about all this is that my brother is at his friends' house for the entire weekend. Anyways, just wanted to share some of my joy, since most of my posts are depressing and negative.

Don't worry, be happy!