Mixed Feelings

So lately, I've had a string of ups and downs, as I suppose is typical of the great mystery we call life.

1. I actually got a co-op job! I'll be working as a Research Assistant in Harrow for a governmental organization. Should be interesting because we're doing work with bees to implant a non-chemical pest control agent into plants via the natural pollination process. I have already settled my housing and am currently going through the tedious preparatory paperwork. I plan to catch up on all the TV shows that I am in the middle of (i.e. Dexter, One Tree Hill, True Blood, etc.) and go for a run every day to lose some of the unhealthy fat I've built up over the past year. It feels great to not have to worry about job searching anymore. Thank you, Dr. Shipp, for hiring me, despite the sinking feeling that I already know you have made a fatal mistake--and thank you, God, for making this miracle possible.

2. As are many of my peers stuck in school this summer, I am stuck in the middle of midterm season. =( Unfortunately, a lot of my friends have already finished or are nearing the end of their exams, while I still have a ways to go. I have written 2 Psychs, 2 Econs, 1 Math, 1 English Essay, and 1 Physics. As far as I know I still have at least 1 Math and 1 Psych left to write. Despite having written over 75% of my exams, I still haven't found the discipline to sit myself down and do some serious studying. I'm not sure whether it is the slack schedule in my past co-op term or the lovely summer season that has totally decimated whatever study habits were sustaining my academic life before, but it's sure taking its toll this term. I haven't been pulling good grades to my maximum potential in any subject. Even after a near failure on my Math test, I was only fazed for a few days, and the effect has kind of numbed by this point...and I don't know what to do?

3. I've gotten back into cooking--without the food poisoning, believe it or not. Mind you, my cooking is not in any sense of enjoyable gourmet cuisine calibre, but rather a survival instinct. Luckily, I've managed to shy away from the monotonous stir fry chicken dish that sustained me from September 2009-February 2010. Miraculous how that disgusting piece of crap even sustained me for that long, I know. With a bit of guidance from my cooking-keen housemate Sandra, I've managed to pull off an edible version of spaghetti. Also, in a desperate attempt to make do with the few ingredients I have, I marinated some thinly sliced pork loins with soya sauce and lemon sauce. It was unsettlingly...yummy--but can I even use that word for my cooking in ANY context? O_o

OHH Food relationship update: I've gotten into adding lemon juice and parsley into ALL my dishes. You can never go wrong with parsley <3

4. As usual, I'm still quite lost as to the direction my future will take. It makes me depressed to hear about my peers getting into professional schools already, while I'm still struggling to fit the pre-requisites into my ridiculous co-op-invaded schedule--not to mention striving to achieve a decent grade in each course. Something funny--but not really--that was brought up in psych class that I'd like to share...ironically, it's from the chapter on Motivation. Hah! Anyway, as soon as I saw the slide listing, I immediately identified myself as having identity diffusion, somewhat pridefully too!

-identity diffusion: inability to commit, no sense of direction, no choices
-identity achievement: successful identity realization
-identity foreclosure: pressured into making an early decision
-identity moratorium: struggling between choices; supposedly where most uni students are

Unfortunately, I was disappointed when my professor went through the list explaining each, and for identity diffusion, all she said was something along the lines of, "These individuals have social and academic problems. They're just in general confused."

With my new-found academic slump and all my friends starting to actually apply for and get into professional schools, I'm developing a fear of being left behind...

5. In a lame attempt to be what we foolishly value--optimistic--I recognize that with my decreased effort into my studies, there is a slight tradeoff in terms of the current enjoyment I am getting out of life.
For one, I've been going to euchre club on a regular basis this term, and I love it, as always--although not solely for the same reasons I'm used to. I've actually started to make a few friends at this club, and I've started talking to one particular loser this term. Good times...and I accomplished all this without improving my social skills in the slightest. Ah, the wonders of facebook and MSN! =)
Second, I've also been spending more time with my friends and indulging in that oh so lovely ethanol. In fact, I've developed a new friend in Smirnoff Ice and its delicate cousin Twisted Green Apple, especially in settings such as King, Tub thumper, and other *cough...games. =)

I guess it wouldn't hurt to end off on a happy note:
I just had a conversation with my brother earlier tonight, and it was probably one of the most civilized conversations I have ever had with him for at least 6 years (before he became an immature dick). I was actually very proud to hear that he was interested in striving for decent programs at specific universities in order to pursue a career in music. Sadly, that is more than I can say about the circumstances under which I chose to enter my own program.

Anyways, I truly believe he has a talent in violin, and it's about time he appreciated this enough to want to do something about it. It seems the late-blooming maturity too characteristic of the male species has finally begun to poke its head out from his overgrown mop of hair.

I'm proud of my brother Robert, and I believe in him now that he has finally decided to believe in himself. =)

Are you afraid of the dark?

Personally, I'm not that afraid of the dark. Of course it depends on what kind of sounds are going on in the background and where I am, but generally I am not. Usually people are afraid of the dark because of the crazy ideas that movies put into our heads or simply our own imaginations. We need to separate real life from the cinema. Of course, sometimes it's just fun to pretend to be scared or to scream with your friends, but I am generally fearless in the dark--just a bit blind. However, there are several things that I am afraid of:

1. Touching slimy animals or certain insects. I don't have a problem with killing flies or mosquitoes in my hands (or with kleenexes) or sweeping spiders to the outdoors, but I definitely won't volunteer to pet a spider, bait a worm, or touch any other slimy creature. The only insect I don't mind touching are ladybugs cuz they're just so pretty and...lady-like? I suppose this fear has also affected my second fear.

2. The ocean and its wildlife. Not only are these creatures slimy, but in grade 5, we studied a lot of sea creatures in moderate detail. Almost everything has some sharp, electrical, slimy, poisonous defense, so I refuse to go snorkeling or venture into ocean waters deeper than 1/4 my height. Even when I've gone swimming in the lake water at my cottage and floating seaweed brushes against me, I get freaked out. To protect myself from any native wildlife, I try to move my legs around a lot so they know to stay away from me.

3. Heights. Pretty common, so there's not much to be said about this one. Basically it has prevented me from volunteering to participate in things such as rock climbing, diving, going on amusement park rides, or even thinking of even attempting any of those extreme sports like bungee jumping, sky diving, parachuting, etc.

4. Public humiliation. The way I see it, almost everyone has this fear; people just protect themselves from it in different ways. To make my point more easily, I'll default to the high school sterotypes: Basically, the popular kids declare themselves as such; giving themselves immunity against all jokes redirected at them. They also have the power of numbers. I suspect this is also why people establish BFFs...in the case that everything happens to go wrong, they can just go to this one person and pretend not to care what the rest of the world thinks. The only flaw with this concept is that often in these popular circles, the "bff" often turns out to be the big backstabber.

The rebellious "weird" kids are pretty similar to the popular group. The only difference is that the justification for their actions is to counteract the damage done by the popular group. Their life purpose is to do or say weird things just to prove that an opposite extreme exists. Most members of this group pride themselves on being hyperactive/crazy and showing everyone that they are having the most fun acting that way.

Lastly, there are the middleground nobodies who'd rather be invisible. I'd like to include myself in this group because I can identify directly with what I believe is their underlying rationale. Motto: Don't do anything outstanding and nothing about you will stand out for people to make fun of.

Whether you can identify with any of these stereotypical groups or not, my point was that everyone has put up their own form of defense against public humiliation. After all, who sincerely wants to be the big joke shared around the table or the latest hot topic for gossip?

5. Failure.
To tell you the truth, failure itself is not my true fear, but rather the side-effects of failure. My biggest fear is disappointing people. You're probably thinking, "Well yeah, you're an Asian with strict Asian parents; Of course you're scared of getting the bamboo stick!" No, it's actually not like that at all. Before my big transformation from being a passive student who just went to school everyday like camp to a dedicated student who realized the importance of grades, my mom yelled at me a lot to do my homework and improve my studies. At the time, I thought yelling was just one of those mom jobs, but then I realized she cared about my success. To be honest, I don't really care about my own success, but I am motivated in all that I do to fulfill the expectations of my family, my friends, coworkers, etc. If I disappointed them, I would feel that I am not making it worth their while to take care of me, befriend me, or even care that I exist. As a result, I crack easily under pressure because all I can think about is the worst case scenario of all-around disappointment. I also prefer to be underestimated or have people expect nothing of me and be pleasantly surprised.


OVERALL, I'd like to think I'm braver than the average girl. I'm not afraid of germs, getting dirty, killing bugs, breaking a nail, or having bad hair days. But really, I can't claim I'm any better than a soft girly girl because they handle basic things like high-pressure situations or swimming in the ocean way better than I could ever hope to.

People often say you should work on getting over your fears by facing them instead of running away. I partially disagree because fears are not always irrational. Often there are morals or prior experience behind these rationalizations that other people may not understand. Taking the example of rollercoasters, I don't like riding them because the heights and upside-down manoeuvers are not one of my preferred methods of dying. My fear of rollercoasters is still plausible because there have been a lot of amusement park accidents...the fact that I am afraid shows that I weight the risk involved in this activity more than others.

People's fears are like personal values or characteristics that define who they are. Instead of forcing people to face their fears, I think one should just be there to support and help them through it whenever they ask for it and, more importantly, when they're not smart enough to ask for it.

My Koreanization Progress

As promised, this post is pretty much dedicated to my beloved ex-roomie Myunnie. ^-^

I was born in Canada, and my parents spoke English around me as I was growing up. Naturally, that became the ONE language I could speak fluently. From first glance/impression, most people assume I'm Chinese, even other Koreans. It's a little sad, especially when I have to tell them I'm Korean but I have no proof other than the fact that I have kimchi in my fridge. In fact, my last name is the name of one of the first Chinese dynasties.

As stated in my profile description, I am pretty much the fakest Korean possible. I can't speak or understand it, and I can read the characters and sounds but not understand what it means. Pretty useful huh? At least I could read a Korean book to a blind Korean person...-_-" I have also never visited Korea--or any Asian country for that matter. My parents tried sending me to Saturday Korean school around grade 3 or something. Unfortunately, the other kids knew how to communicate in Korean pretty fluently already, so it was just to maintain their cultural connection and fluency. It wasn't really useful for people with zero Korean fluency like myself. In fact, there were some pretty scarring moments where we had to go up in front of the class and introduce ourselves in Korean. I pretty much said something really fast in English then sat down crying at my desk. Luckily, my mom let me quit by the end of grade 6. Good memories...-_-" Any of the reading/writing I currently know was taught at home by my grandma.

Another sad thing about not knowing Korean is that I can hardly communicate with my grandparents. Sure, I can understand basic things such as "eat lots" or "sit here", and they know bits of English, but that hardly constitutes a deep conversation. As far as I know, my family is almost entirely Korean. The only non-Korean I know of is the aunt that my uncle married. She is a happy, blonde German lady. In fact, they're having a baby in October, which I'm pretty excited about--I love children...in a non-pedophilic way.

I don't really know much about the Korean culture or language at all, except for some food dishes that are homemade or offered at restaurants. My Chinese friends seem to know more about the overall culture, especially since Korean music and media are pretty popular to people of the other Asian cultures (e.g. Big Bang, Wonder girls, after school, kkotboda namja, coffee prince, etc). For example, Myunnie taught me that Koreans have a plastic surgery fund saved up by their parents. When they reach a certain age, they can choose to either use it to alter their appearance or buy clothes for themselves. Apparently, a small face is also considered a standard of beauty in the Korean culture. I have no idea why...doesn't this also reduce the amount of space for (Asian-envied) big eyes to fit on one's head?

Anyways, thanks to my roomie, I got a chance to get a bit more in touch with my cultural roots simply by listening more to the music and experiencing the infamously addictive Korean dramas. We used to eagerly await the release of the latest BOF episode every Monday and Tuesday night. I pretty much gave up trying to get any work done on such distracting days of the week. Depending on our class schedules, we would race each other to watch the episode first, which I usually ended up winning (except when I had scibus group project meetings). There were also times where we both promised to wait for the other person's major summatives or projects to be finished before we watched an episode together. Good memories :) Admittedly, the season finale was kind of disappointing, but the real life memories that BOF brought me in residence will be cherished forever.

Even after the BOF craze, Myunnie convinced me to watch "My Name is Kim Sam Soon". Entertaining drama about a middle-aged, chubby baker who hopelessly pursues the restaurant owner. I couldn't help but to pull an all-nighter for that series and watch it all within...36 hours maybe? It's quite amazing how people can become such huge fans of Korean celebrities that they start to pick up literacy for the linguistic characters and understand small expressional phrases. Unfortunately for me, it means some of my Chinese friends know more Korean than I do, and they end up being the ones teaching me.

Sometimes it's convenient for me to include myself in the Korean culture, so I can reap the food benefits, distinguish myself from the large Chinese population, and carry on a fake Chinese-Korean rivalry with my friends. However, I am actually content to remain distant from my cultural roots and claim myself as a guiltless CBK.